shadowlands...

once upon a time I thought it would be interesting to be dramatic

most of my wardrobe consisted of costumes:
- the lumber-jack get up of jeans, t-shirt, and flannel overshirt
- the equestrian gear of form fit khakis, white blouse, and mostly cutaway jacket (and vest)
- the croquet wear
- even the "business woman" in navy blue suiting

most of my friends were dramatic, occasionally even suffering some grandly engineered (usually self inflicted) tragedy

half of what i said was as much a line as a spontaneous (and heaven forbid!) light-hearted remark

i even developed a somewhat mysterious persona of a single girl, living alone, and seldom (if ever) letting the various lives i lived (daughter, friend, co-worker, girl at bar/dance club) meet each other for fear of the various other characters of those lives get to know too much about me

. . . . . . .

i'm not sure when or how or why that stopped seeming like me. honestly, if it weren't for the fact that i'm so keenly aware of the serious difference between who i am now and the me above, i almost wouldn't believe the change happened.

i think it started when i stopped living alone... moving in with a friend, and his friends can put a serious kink in being "all lonesome and pondersome and mysterious".

and i KNOW that there's no way to be dour and serious and brooding and "poetic" around my daughter... she's an absolutely 100% contagious source of light and joy and humor.

as for my dramatic friends... for the most part my friends have grown up too... realising that there is enough REAL drama in a normal life - enough heart-ache and loneliness (the kind you not only can't imitate but would never EVER want to) - that there's no real need to manufacture it.

i think the costume clothes went away mostly as my middle age spread started spreading up from my thighs into my hips and stomach... it's hard to look really good in costumes unless you look really good in nothing.

. . . . . . . . . .

i'm glad to have had those days. they were good old days of let's pretend, and i was fortunate enough to be able to drag them into the cusp of my 30's (a luxury many folks won't or can't afford themselves). i've always believed that having a good imagination and the room to play with it is elemental in being a well rounded, firmly grounded sort of person with the ability to distinguish between make believe and what really matters.

i'm glad, too, that they're behind me. i like the idea of the future that's laid out in front of me. the fun and the joy that i have yet to enjoy with my daughter as she grows and plays is a very rewarding prospect - and definitely worth the real drama that comes with a real life.