trying

I am NOT a patient woman.
I never have been, and likely never will be.
I try - oh heaven knows I try.

but land's sakes - - when I show you something 4 times. when I WALK. YOU. THROUGH. IT. every time you've done it, I expect you to freakin' learn. eventually.

four quarters in a row now (this is a WHOLE YEAR, my friends) i've shown the same guy the same steps and three quarters in a row he's done it wrong exactly the same way each time. three quarters in a row he's called me saying "i think i've done it wrong, but i'm not sure, can you please look over this with me?"
oh sure, he's apologetic, and thankful, and whatever... but good LORD man, freakin WRITE IT DOWN.

ok.
whew.

that's better.
thanks.

and by the way - i haven't written ONE blog post on my shared blog with my husband. ultimate fail.
I HAVE however, managed to completely avoid McDonald's for nearly four full months. I stopped in, once, to get lunch for my daughter and mother, but didn't get so much as a diet coke for myself. (not that any of this avoidance has helped me with the weight loss at all... i'm maintaining steadily at the number I started the year at).

Zom-Pire

I'm not sure if I'm a zombie or a vampire but I'm definitely dealing with "back from the dead."

I've been miserable sick for the better part of 5 weeks - in varying degrees. My darling husband and I are of the opinion that I've contracted an alien virus.
Halloween was fun - heck Niftober was fun. We had a LOT of stuff planned, did all of it, and it broke me.
By the time November rolled around (the 9th, to be exact) the bottom fell out. Made me miss the Sisters of Mercy concert... the one that I bought the tickets a month in advance for. OH so pissed off over that one.
Thanksgiving was a rough go too - - feeling very poorly and surrounded by a LOT of loud family.
I'm hoping that Christmas will go better... I mean, after nearly 5 weeks I HAVE to be on the mend, right? As I write this, there are Christmas decorations downstairs calling out to me (from boxes stacked in the middle of other stacks of boxes...), a tree that still hasn't been brought up, ONE MEASELY string of lights up on the window (and nothing on any - - ANY - - of the others) and 3 - no 4 - strings of lights on the porch (none on the edges of the house... that's too much like danger).
Don't even get me started on the number of gifts that I don't have wrapped.

OK friends... I will endeavour (because I hate saying "try") to be here more often.

boxing

i have been beaten up by our Wii.

we've had it for a while - - maybe almost a month now. but mostly i've been doing things like bowling, and Zelda, and a whole lot of watching (my favorite video game activity). on Sunday, though, miss foo asked me to play the boxing game. and i did - and had a blast - for three rounds. after that i was (out of shape) panting and tired. it felt like a good workout, and i was glad to be done... but i wasn't sore.

saturday we went to the terrorfied forest and had a blast. it was just as spooky (if not more so) as i remembered. i was giddy. i loved it (and was SO mad at myself for having missed the HauntCon walk through this summer) and only suffered a little pain in my shoulders from the grabbing and pulling and holding.

sunday was the boxing incident.

last night, while grocery shopping, my muscles quit working and i felt like i wasn't able to breathe or reach or really, move so much. and, of course, as one so disconnected from regular exercise, for my life i couldn't figure out why. later, it dawned on me.

i told my husband that i'm never playing that game again.
being the sage that he is, he recommended i play it three times a week.

sha...

4 Hours...

my husband has me reading "the 4 hour work week", actually listening to it on CD. it's an alternative to my morning NPR... i'm good with it.

the most valuable lesson so far has been a reminder of a rule that i used to practice avidly:

Focus on improving what you do well, instead of trying to fix what you do not do well.

When i was young - - actually until i became a drone of corporate america, i lived this principle. Not only did i not focus on fixing what I could not do well, i removed it from my repertoire all together.

If someone asked me if i did "x" and I was not good at it, i said "no, i'm no good at it."

AND NO ONE EVER QUESTIONED ME.

Now, i'm spending time trying to figure out how to "develop relationships" with people who really don't care about much except when they can expect their numbers. Why do i need to be developing a relationship with any of these folks? I'm an ANALYST for pete's sake.
No one expects analysts to be good at relationships.
No one expects analysts to have relationships.

Next time someone asks, i think i'm going to say "i'm no good at it."
and see what happens.

so here's the thing...

i can go to lolcats and ichc online, at work.
i cannot access NPR streaming online at work.
what does this say about my company's access nazis?

in ur firewall
jackin' ur access

Free Lance

it's time for me to figure out how to go it on my own
i want to be a producer
i just mean that I want to be a person who produces deliverables
i mean, i want to make things
useful things
and i want to make a living doing this

because the living i'm making right now is killing me

baby face and balderdash

babies really don't always make the cutest faces

today, though, i realised that even a crying baby is more fun than what i do for a living. i'm pretty sure that's one of the universal indicators that it's time to look for a new job.

the way in this morning was hell. someone sent out a memo to all the

shouldn't-have-ever-been-given-a-license

idiots out there advising them that in front of the spider covered vibe was exactly the place to be today. if it's like that on the way home i'll know for sure, and it may well happen that my new job is the full-time search for the jerk in charge of sending memos to the idiots of the world.

i wonder if upon his death i get to take the job.

heh heh heh

hangover

I had too much fun over the weekend.
Seriously.

yesterday I woke up with a screaming headache.

no. don't blame it on the weather change.
i'd prefer to think i just had TOO DARNED much fun.

maybe Evil, hardly Genious

:: Update::
This post has been edited for the sake of brevity.

Prologue
I am a snoop and a would-be detective.
For the most part I'm too selfish, too egocentric to be bothered by things that happen without me and as for what people say about me, i usually just let it go.

The Setup
A week ago, or two, i found out that I was being uninvited to a blog that I was lead to believe didn't exist.

The Self Revealed
I'm a voyeur. I'm nosy. I'm a long list of other things, none of which lend themselves to the kind of person who stays out of someone else's business - especially if I can peek in without having to participate.
I don't know the depths of my self and my soul, but the shallow story is that i'm not a joiner.
I am a watcher... occasionally a commenter... and from time to time a participant or assistant
- - but I am NOT a joiner.

The Snooping
I googled the blog. I found the blog. I read the blog.

The Worst Bit
I feel guilty.
Not cool.

The Fall-Out Part 1
I just confessed and apologised.

scoop

ok.
so the thing is, the surgery beat me up.
and the recovery made me lazy.

since june 1st, i haven't wanted to work on anything - - well, at least nothing indoors. my garden is pretty. if i weren't so ham-handed with the camera, i would have included a photo. they're all crap.

i'm on (and now off) my third course of 'kicks-your-ass-a-cin' this one is compounded and goes (went) up my nose via ear syringe (lovingly called the 'ball-baster') i'm not on it now, because my ENT is concerned about my lesser ability to breathe since beginning 'treatment'. i get to see him (and have him stick metal sticks up my nose) this afternoon - - to hopefully get to the bottom of what's going on in there.

in happier news, i just did some "haunt my house" shopping. i have an idea (which i'm hoping will grow up into a nice big and strong 'plan') of what i'd like to do. i have to think, seriously, about where i'm setting the bar - - this is our FIRST year in our own place that we can haunt as much or as little as we want. at the same time, i'm so excited, there's a good chance i'll be going too whole on the hog, and blow it for every year henceforth. i'm not too fussed/worried... i mean really, we're only LIKELY to get more technology and with the baby getting older every year, that means we'll have more (useful) hands as our tenure at Earthburg progresses as well (at least for the prep work, it will be a good many years before she's done trick or treating, and who can blame her!). Still, with technological advances, there's a good chance that I'll some day be able to man all of the demons/ghouls and other whosie whatnots on my own from remote control sensors pasted all over the house (and my body - - I mean, I have to still be able to be one of the baddies).

nevermind.

I'm really raving here.

i'm too excited.

see how I am?

Spring Forward Crap

i really don't like the whole daylight saving time thing.
the biggest reason is my wake up time.
during most week days i'm awake by 5:30 and leaving the house for work at 6.
up until this past weekend, i was almost driving during daylight hours. it felt like spring to me.
now, i'm back in the dark ages of winter and miserable in the morning - - and it's not just the jet lag feeling of having lost an hour either, it's about the sunlight playing with my wakefulness.

don't even get me going on the ridiculous excuse of "saving energy" the freaks in Washington tout. as if. longer days mean the family hopping in the car to drive up to the local DQ for sundaes and dilly bars. no one walks in the evening anymore. please. this is America after all.

i'm still cold too - but that's a whole nuther story...

And Nothing But...

the truth of the matter is, i've been too grumpy to write anything worth reading.

for the past week or so, i've just been a wretched mess of bad mood and irritability. quite honestly, i don't like me very much, and haven't for a while. the littlest things set me off, and while i immediately regret my grouchiness, the bottom line is that it doesn't undo the fact that i was a turd to begin with.

i've been trying all of my tricks:
- - counting to ten
- - breathing
- - focusing on the beauty
- - looking for the innocence of the moment
and i'm more or less coming up empty. the only time lately that i'm not making people (and myself) miserable, is when i'm alone (then it's just me who suffers).

my daughter helps - immeasurably - by reminding me that she loves me. she does this by telling me "mama, i SOOO love you" which, really, should be all the cure i need - - and yet, here iam, a half-done ham, waiting for some external cloud to lift and the happiness to come flooding in.

i KNOW that the only way for me to shake this is to find the peace within, to be motivated by it, and to never let the zeros get me down.

maybe i need a mini-retreat...

Tick Tick Tick

winding down.
the clock, that is, not me. i'm about as not wound-down as someone can be without caffeine for blood. so much to do, so little time. i can't even wonkafy it, because truth be told, it's not even funny to me anymore.

i don't exactly want to cry.

i just really really really want to get in gear, tell work to get bent, and spend the rest of this week and next finishing the house and moving in and feeling like life at home is life at home, and not something happening in a mildly disarrayed construction zone.

we got the toilet into the w.c. last night.
and the first coat of paint on the bedroom walls
and the doors down (for stripping and refinishing) on the first floor

i don't have room to list everything we have left to do.

and at least two of the 'left to do' items fall into the category of 'shopping' which might not be so bad if it weren't for:
- - the fact that it's mid-December and there are lunatics out there that don't have their shopping done
- - the fact that in order to have my shopping done, and as much of the stuff in for the house as we already do have, i'm flat out broke

we ABSOLUTELY must finish the flooring this weekend.

ratty, miserable, and not fit for dogs

it's one day from december, and the day has been pissing since before i woke up (which is ungodly o'clock every morning)

it's evil dark out all the windows, and a plague of rain.

WHERE IS MY SNOW???

(mid-grouse, i decided on a sip of tea, which promptly slipped my lips and took a vacation down the front of my shirt - - that will teach me for being a foul-mooded ingrate)

honestly, the rain is probably a blessing - - were it snow, i'd be forced to pack up my things and head home to work out the rest of the day there... oh agony!

probably i should stop before this turns into one of those abysmal rants that does no good and spirals me a little deeper down the path of all out pissiness

hiccup

there has been a break in my continuity.

i hate it when i get this way.

but the truth is, things are just so "awry" in my real world right now that I have no idea, half the time, when i'm coming or going or if i'm actually sitting still.

progress:

we have primed the kitchen - 2 coats. it looks like it might actually be paintable

plans:

today we will be sanding and priming the dining room and the living room. depending on our progress with these, we may actually be doing the study as well

weekend plans:

we have shopping to do. fortunately our friends at lowes have decided to throw a "veteran's day sale" for us, and much of the paint we need to buy will be on sale - - not ridiculously low priced, but sale is sale. we also have to get the new door knobs and deadbolts (all 3 doors worth) which is not setting well on my imagined bank account. still, has to be done, so it has to be done.

once the shopping is out of the way, it will be back to the painting. i'm actually (probably foolishly) hoping to get color on the walls this weekend

snag:

we think our electrician fell through. something about the house spooked him, apparently (even though he's never seen it) and we're now looking for someone with skill and a sense of charity. it may come to pass that i'll only be able to afford to have someone who can find us a ground wire (we have one, but apparently it's not connecting to any of the outlets) and straighten up the woeful state of the breaker box. we may have to wait for, hold off on, and pretend we don't need the additional outlets in the bedrooms, dining room, and kitchen (where we really, truly, need them most).

such is life.

dark day

not in a bad way.
almost sexy.
just feeling like
dark thoughts
dark dreams
mystery

morning serenade
of Bauhaus
could have been
the cause.

it's a day for
a half a smile
out of the corner
of the eye.

maybe i missed my calling
(and the dollop of talent too)
and I should have been a goth star...