jetsam

today it's breakfast time and i am craving protein like i can't even tell you.
it could be that through the course of all day yesterday i consumed about 600 calories (i don't eat much when i'm feeling even remotely under the weather)
fortunately i have access to meat and cheese (German breakfast) and if only i had a crusty roll (preferably topped with sunflower seeds) life would be utterly sublime.

it's almost bitterly cold in here this morning, and i'm SO desperate to drink my (just brewed) tea, but i KNOW that if i even get close to drinking it, i'll burn my tongue and be miserable for the rest of the day. oh! for a modicum of patience

my throat is still sore, but i have a good night's rest under my belt, so i feel like i'll be able to make it through the day.

my husband is likely in the air, or soon will be, on his way to TN.
don't tell him, but i miss him already

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

The challenge, as defined by Francey Pants:

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

make a list of what you did and will do
thoughts you had
literal or not
funny or serious
a written snippet of your life

put it on your blog
link me to it

Mine:

yesterday
hurrywait at work
hurrywait at home
pillowtalk till too late with my man

today
curled with my purring cat
nursing a sore throat
listening to the sounds of life while i work

tomorrow
early at the airport to say
"love you bye see you soon"
to my south-bound husband

juggle little monkey... juggle

i have so many balls up in the air right not it's not even funny.

most of them are work related, but HOLY CRAP!

some days i feel very much like just making sure they're all up in the air, then pulling a duck and cover as they call come down and protect myself as best i can, and then crawl away from the wreckage before anyone notices.

no. of course i won't do that. more likely i'll be spending a little extra time this week - - somehwere - - getting a little extra work in. oh woe - how to do the right thing for everyone involved with the least effort for me.

yes - i'm sad to admit, i am that pathetic.

*
in other news

i have to return my kick-butt maryjanes from land's end. they don't fit or look right. fortunately i'll be able to do that on a quick run to Monroe (where the closest, most friendly Sears store resides).

still (always) more grocery shopping to be done

friends abound this evening... am making angel food cake 'especial' for the visit

work progresses slowly (for me) on the pigman's lair work

i need more socks, but since suit season is fast upon us, may hold off and just wear tights (oooh i just love tights!)

i'm desperate for the perfect pair of mary janes.

62 days till Halloween.

fugit...

holy cats - where did august go?

i'm trying so hard to get everything in... so much to do and so little time... and yet each week is monthlong in my head. and while i'm cursing the fleeting summer, i'm secretly wishing the week away so that i can be focusing on vacation. (i'm leaving on saturday the 9th).

my reading list is still an arm's length, so much more i want to digest, and where oh where is the time to read? i can't seem to get in more than a couple of pages at a time - - well, not that and eat and sleep and tend to the baby and live a little, and oh - of course - that whole having to work that so very gets in the way!

i have to do some of that right now - actually.

p.s. did i mention that even with friday off, i wasn't really off, and spent the whole day being so busy that it was probably more taxing than being at work?

the secret truth

is that i really want my daughter to find and plow through all of my various notebooks, journals, sketch pads, and other detritus when i'm gone and realise:

that everything she ever thought about me all those years we were being crazy together
all the times she thought i was a monster
every time she imagined i was slightly off balance
whenever she believed i was touched by passion or madness

she was right.
i sincerely hope that during the course of our lives together she sees the truth of me, i certainly intend to share it with her. at the same time though, i also wish - - or maybe hope - - that when i am gone and all she has of a tangible me is maybe a lock of hair (or one of those really cool rings) and my books and books and books of scrawl, that the same truth of me surrounds her.

so i write things and draw things and scribble (though not as often as i want) in book after book after book. building the written legacy of my love.

girley up

i am not much of a girley girl - - oh sure, every now and again i like to wear makeup, or perfume (always vanilla at the bottom) and even sometimes a skirt and a flirty pair of shoes - - but in general, i'm a little more earthy than girley.

for some reason, though, over the past few weeks, my finger nails have been growing. growing like rabbits breed. and, truth be told, i like having the length to gently scratch along my daughter's back, or skritch along the back of my husband's neck, and under the kitty's chinney chin chin. the nails, you see, enable me to bring finger-nailey-comforts to those i love.

the other thing about finger nails - - mine in particular - - is that they're not very strong, or thick. they need, if i want to keep them, reinforcement. namely, lacquer. typically i would just throw on a coat of clear and move along, but recently - - like the every now and again- - i've been of a mind to paint them in the girliest of rosy hues (today is the tamest of the lot, being a sandy beigey pink). this is extremely unfortunate for me, because i also cannot leave it alone. one chip and i'm nipping away at the flaked up nail digging the paint off, working on destroying the other nails... it's a wreck.

oh - and a nasty side effect of the girley nails? the overwhelming urge to wear lip gloss... and if you're going to wear lip gloss, probably you should put just a little color on your eyes - and then some mascara... and once you've gone that far, your skin could use a dusting of powder to control the shine, and probably your brows need a little tending to... and then, well, look at yourself, you're all dolled up in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt... what on earth have you done?

it really is that vicious, this cycle of mine.

i buy my nail polish from DHC (home of my skincare "regimen") (today i'm wearing B07) and my makeup from a company called Tarte (my favorite is their dual ended lip gloss in Fred and Ginger).

in other news, i've just started carrying my MOLESKINE sketchbook around with me. it was a gift from my husband. i'm going to be using it to capture my thoughts on scare crows, pig-people, and other things halloweeney.

the sound of me at peace

it started out with my skirt fitting me the way i wanted it to - - the skirt that is a size smaller than all of my other clothes that fit. all hail old navy, the saviour of my self esteem.

and then the quiet of the morning - - my morning was deliciously quiet, still... ignoring the tail lights and headlights on the road, the drive in was golden pink sky, silhouetted trees, and the classical strains of WRCJ 90.9 FM. i don't own half - not even a 10th of the classical music i would like, so i cheat and listen to the radio. sure, i have to listen to whatever 'they' pick, but most often they know better than i do, so i'm not fussed. not to mention, if i don't like what i'm hearing, i can just pop over to NPR for a little while and get my head out of the sand. heaven help me is there anything better than public radio and an awesome skirt? ok, a perfect hair cut and color and a kick ass pair of shoes... but after that, all that's left is champagne and the sea.

the office was quiet when i got in as well, and no one has come bothering me yet today. i actually had to make the trek to the coffee machine (and tea-water dispenser) to determine if life had continued among my coworkers.

oh - and i put on some make up today - eyes and cheeks and lips - the whole 9 (except liner, because my eyes have been leaking because of the allergens) - and so i feel double plus pretty in my new denim skirt (and pink and white striped oxford). did i mention my nails were lacquered pink as well? a fresh coat over the weekend... the baby's too.

ah... if only i were someplace sunny and sandy and listening to the roar of the crashing waves, breathing in the salt of the seas of time...

happy tuesday.

what's new pussycat

he's curled up at my feet on the footstool, and i haven't the heart to wake him.

family called me downstairs at about 10:30. i had been working in my room, so as not to be a temptation to the baby, but she was so engrossed in Diego and whoever else was chomping up the cablewaves it left me fairly free to work.
while reports were doing their magic (running) i washed some towels for upstairs... and a load of my whites. then again, on the next runtime break, made up some falafel (i know the spelling isn't right) from a box mix (you can make anything out of a box these days) for lunch. it was good. mom hasn't had hers yet - baby needed ... NEEDED ... a nap.
and back to now - - Ghengis is curled and snoring between my feet on the ottoman (mom and baby doing the same in the bedroom) and i really want to run through another round of laundry, but i don't have it in my heart to disturb the cat

i have to go to the post office this afternoon - - after my work day officially ends - - and drop my netflix (kingdom hospital disc 3 - - only one left to go...sigh) in the post (i can't bear the thought of trusting it to anything but the luscious comfort of the big blue box) so they can send the last one. mom's pick of the week will probably arrive tomorrow - Geisha night Tuesday at Hidden Oaks... i'm excited.

finished Ghost Writer... it was ok. not a 5 star by any means, but still a decent read. i'm working on Jennifer Egan's "the Keep" now. it was on Diane Rehm (sp?) not too long ago - the day i placed the hold on it actually, which i thought was spooky. i'm only just a few pages in, but i like it... it's gritty and real - which is always a really good place to start a scary story.

enough

... a few of my favorite things...

This is my friend FrancyPants and her Beau, Ivan. Right now they are my favorite "other" couple. There is something about delicately beautiful and righteously deep love that stirs me at the very roots of my soul. To the point, apparently, even, of properly punctuating a sentence or three.










I watched this wonderful talking skull video with my daughter and husband last night. The little fiend wanted to watch it again and again and again. I think it may have disturbed her a little, but she's so crazy brave it's not funny. At any rate, this is my favorite "blue sky big dream wish list" item (the price is prohibitive).










I go to Scary-Art.com to look for ideas of things i might like to do / make / build for Halloween. I think it might be neat to have a halloween doll or something every year. I'm undecided right now, but it's a favorite place for inspiration.










Finally the baby. She's always going to be on this list - along with the smell of fresh cut grass and watermelon (they have to be combined smells to be really good), and homemade cherry lime ade, and shopping at the fresh produce stands and truck farm trucks along the way - - to wherever the left, right, forward drive on saturday takes you, and the almond cookies my husband bought special with dinner last night because he knows how much i like them, and the fact that todays grey sky isn't (so far) affecting my mood, probably because it started with classical music, which today is really moving me.

box on the porch

i'm an addict

i LOVE having a box on the porch for me when i get home. no one really sends me boxes on my porch, so i buy the love. yesterday it was these:










they're officially the first pair of shoes i've bought myself since the baby was born - almost 2 and a half years ago.

i've been struggling for a couple of years to find "bone" shoes that i liked

no real other news...

p.s.
my next box will be the denim skirt (and a couple of pairs of pj's for baby)

library junkie

i'm on a whole big kick at the library

books for me, books for mom. so far, none for the baby- - she still doesn't have the gist of borrowing and returning - - soon though.

and i get sound recordings too - not that i'm too lazy to read, but boy oh boy don't they make the hour long commute to work a whole lot more palatable... almost to the point of giving it meaning!

i still haven't worked my way up to the videos. partly because i am still not sure which are charged and which are not - - not to mention my new netflix subscription...

anywho. oh yeah - as an update - the Kingdom Hospital rentals are going very well... VERY well. i've made my way through disc two and i am still hooked. (as it were). in case y'all were interested.

i still haven't done any real work with the costumes for pigman. it's coming, but i need to be of a mind to do it. also, i need to find a ratty old red plaid flannel shirt that I don't mind doing in a bit.

and i have to go shopping for a bridal shower. and to the vet for some cat food. and possibly even to old navy - i really want a denim skirt... they have it on line... maybe there will be one in the store.

right now, though, it's time for tea, toast, and work.

i can stop watching tv

- at least until Survivor season starts.

last night my heather won hell's kitchen and all is right with my television world.

now i just need to lose these last five pounds (to goal #1) before the end of the month and i think i might just find some serious happiness.

right after some toast and tea.

punching bag weekend

friday - - banged my back while popping a balloon with my backside in a wacked out relay race with coworkers
saturday - - worked as a pig person in the morning, spent the better part of the afternoon mowing the lawn, evening, baby bashed me in the nose with her noggin...
sunday - - ouchie everywhere and a long car ride.
this morning - - awakened with an ear ache and some balance trouble

at least i'm having fun

cravings

diet update for y'all: i am really REALLY struggling

i got myself down to a loss of over 30 pounds fairly easily. since then i've been bouncing up and down inside a 10 pound range for well over a month. i keep trying to tell myself that once i break through the bottom of this 10 pound range, and pass my first in a series of three goals, that i will be so pleased with the results of all that hard work that i won't mess up again for a while. of course, i tell myself this at the same time that i'm working on convincing myself that "one little reese's cup won't do all that much damage," and "how bad can ONE cupcake be." truth is that one little cup isn't all that bad, and one cupcake will not ruin a week... unless of course the cup and the cupcake and the pb&j sammich and the extra slice of pizza all happen in the same week. nevermind that the rest of the week i'm eating lean protein and vegetables out the ying-ying, and really taking care of my water levels and doing all the right things right... (ok, truth be told, i'm also not exercising like i ought to be, and the stress at work has got to have my cortisol levels through the roof, but aside from all that...) i know that i'm giving in too easily to the little cravings (for food and for languishing on the porch swing...) are doing me in.

why am i giving in? well, mostly because i'm REALLY working on convincing myself that i'm NOT on a diet, and that i AM participating in a lifestyle change (albeit woefully lacking in the exercise element) and that if i think of it as a diet and deprive myself of the occasional treat that i'll fail miserably. problem is, i over occasion the treats, i suppose. i lose sight of the fact that an extra slice of pizza is a treat that surpasses my entire lunch in nutritional elements like calories and fat and carbs... my new "plan" (as i'm always "planning") is to allow myself either one small treat per day of the week (small treat being no more than 100 calories) or one big treat once a week (a big treat being anything that ranks on the level of a meal's worth of calories). this, of course, is starting now (after my midmorning pb&j). i get no more treats this week.
next week i think i'm really going to focus on making sure i have just the little treats... they make me a lot happier.

end of diety babble session. i have to mentally prepare myself for the departmental picnic this afternoon - - did i mention it's being catered???

sigh...

proving grounds

for quite some time now i've been living under the suspicion that a certain man of my acquaintance was - - is - - a real jerk. but, i've had no hard evidence of it - - hearsay, yes; tell-tale signs, yes - - but no real proof.

today he first hand delivered the final blow to his case.

while making my toast and preparing to collect my hot water for tea, the self-same man walked up to the coffee machine (which i had turned on on my way down the hall, even though he was here well before *I* was and walks past the exact same coffee machine on his way down the hall) and pulled the spigot and got nothing. "Well," he says to me, "I was hoping to get some coffee, but it looks like D hasn't made any yet..." and he ambles off - - obviously COMPLETELY determined that he won't be making any coffee.

this is the same man who, in spite of the fact that his own wife has had a child and he has first hand experience with pregnancy, has told his pregnant subordinate "Honestly, if your back is hurting you while sitting in your office chair, you should probably take the time as medical leave and not work at all, i can't see how working from home would be a solution..." can't see how it would be a solution? how about because at home you can sit on your couch and put up your feet and alleviate most of the things that are irritating your sciatica WITHOUT having to eat into the family leave time that's associated with your pregnancy/maternity leave and WITHOUT cutting short your postpartum time with the BRAND NEW BABY???? how about that???

the same man who routinely passes off the work that he feels is too detailed (or not gloryful enough) to others inside AND outside his team. the same man who refuses to learn how to use the new tool because he doesn't believe he'll ever have a use for it - even though he's asked others with access to (and training in) the new tool to pull information for him.

still - - i'm really trying to focus on the fact that all people are flawed and need forgiveness and love. i'm one of those folks... the flawed ones... and *I* need forgiveness and love... and i am working on figuring out a way to get past this man's egocentric behaviour and move forward in peace and love.

This is not my beautiful cup of tea...

cold

i have been cold for hours now - cold last evening, cold last night - - all night, cold this morning, cold still now.

ok, i'll grant you that apart from those few months of pregnancy when i was downright boiling in my own blood (and that of the baby) i've never really ever suffered too much from too hot... i can probably still count on fingers and toes the number of times i've ever complained (at least as an adult) about the heat, but to be all but shivering cold, wrapped in a comforter, in the nearly-middle of August - - in Michigan? Come on - even old ladies are warm in the middle of august in Michigan.

I have ruled out thin blood (at least artificially) as I don't take any medicines, let alone any that would thin my blood, and I don't drink enough water, and when i do stub a toe or whatnot, i clot up really nicely - thank you.

truth be told - i think i broke myself in Vegas. seriously. Hot hot hot (upwards of 106) and humid... couldn't something like that set your climate control for milder climes all a-wonk for a good long time?

missed the Kingdom

argh - how could i be so - - what, exactly? not stupid, most likely just tired.

i just finished listening to the journals of eleanor druse (a hyperion audio book) which is something of a part of the basis for the Kingdom Hospital t.v. show that aired a while back... which i completely missed - - every episode.

now i'm on something of a mad quest to get the dvd's and see if justice was served on this - the story was particularly good... and of course, i'm in a "spooky" frame of mind (what with Halloween only 2 and a half months away.

speaking of Halloween - my husband and i will be volunteering our hands, hearts, and possibly our "acting skills" at the Pigman's Lair at the Chelsea Fairgrounds this year. for me - it's a long time wish that i've taken upon myself to fulfill - - for my husband... well, you'd have to ask my husband, but if i had to guess i'd say it's love and support... and possibly a dash of fun.

also - we'll be taking a trip sometime in October (earlier than later) to visit Goatman Hollow as well. another long time wish of mine - to begin to venture once a year to a new haunted attraction someplace in the country other than our haunts in Michigan. the thrill factor for me on this one is somewhat eclipsed by the sheer joy of going, but i'm hoping that won't last for long.

te he he

in the meantime, i am populating my summer reading list (and listening list) with things horrific, and allowing all the vacuum in my head to draw into anything frightening that comes our way.

toast needs protein

something about toast makes me happy.

my friend Q says it has to do with the link between carbs and insulin and serotonan.
i think it's also closely linked to the almost fresh baked bread crossed with the nuttiness of the aroma.

heck - almost anything associated with nuttiness makes me happy.

thing is - - protein satisfies my hungry. if i have a big old chunk of chicken, or sometimes even just an egg or some cheese, i'm good for quite a while before i start thinking about nibbling again... you know, unless i have some sort of ridiculous craving, or i get evil bored.

so what i need is some super protein fortified (like I don't know 15 or so grams?) preferably multi grain bread with only 40 calories a slice (like what i'm eating now) and a bunch of fiber (just because it's a good way to start the day), a dab of margarine (i really can't abide the taste of butter), and a toaster.

and some earl grey.

and maybe (MAYBE) sometimes some marmalade.

and a porch swing... with some birdsong... and a nice warm/gentle breeze

and a porch - ocean-view would be best.

mail in junkie

EDIT:: links to forms to share the wealth
pirate shirt from kraft
$10 blockbuster from dixie

i love getting rewarded for doing what i normally do anyway...

item - - i drink lots of diet coke. i keep tabs on the lids, register, enter some codes, and 6 months later i have a $100 blockbuster card

item - - my daughter loves kraft singles. i send in two proofs of purchase and a form, and lo! i'm a pirate shirt more bounteous

item - - i stock my bathroom with dixie cups. i send in a proof of purchase and a receipt and it's more blockbuster money for me.

this stuff makes my head spin with giddy...

if ONLY i could find forms that would reward me for my pen, pencil, and other (wanton) school supply shopping!!!