some days i think about going to a psychoanalyst maybe to discover what it is about me that makes me a distant type person. when i'm in company i'm not cold (i don't think) - at least not actively aloof. i'm not all that reserved, though i try to keep my rabid opinions to myself. i'm actually fairly candid in conversation.
what i don't get, though, is why i tend to avoid instances of conversation.
maybe it's a defense mechanism. knowing as i do that i open up when i'm with trusted friends, and still feeling the "danger" in being exposed, i just avoid the occasion of being around someone with whom i will spill-my-guts?
maybe it's just being accustomed (as an only child) to being my own company and keeping my own counsel?
i am, as i recently wrote in a letter of apology, most decidedly inconsistent company.
i seldom make social engagements because they cause me no end of angst in wishing my way out of them. when i do make plans (knowing that i'm not going to back out if i actually make the plan) i suffer "the anxiety" over being at least moderately more interesting than pocket lint - and still i find myself at a loss for a good ice-breaker or story that actually has a clever or witty ending... or even that has an ending would be good enough.
most of my long time friends (i.e. people who have put up with me and my skittishness for at least ten years) are either like me, or too busy to notice that they haven't seen me in several months, or have gotten so used to the fact that i leave the house less often than the-crazy-lady-with-the-jungle-of-cats-in-her-old-haunted-house that they almost prefer not to see me too often - just in case i start telling one of those stories that doesn't really have an ending.
i actually suck at companionship. i admit it freely.
but not at friendship. just so you know. i have abiding love for the people who i consider my friends... and even more for those brave souls who dare to call me friend.
just so you know
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