Working Mom and Wife

i work hard. some days i work so hard that i honestly think i'm doing whatever the grey-matter equivalent to a sprain is. i have headaches. i have stress knots in my neck and shoulders. i have buried frustrations. sometimes it's not even so much because of the work i do, but more because of the work i inherit because someone else - who actually should have the same capacity to do it as i - has shirked his responsibility to the company, or worse, to himself (as in, can't be bothered to put the brain-power into solving the problem). some days what i have to do at the office almost completely eats up who i am... and who i want to be for my husband, and who i need to be for my daughter. it's a horribly fine line... and i struggle to walk it almost every day.

we need me to work.
i have the only job in our little family that provides healthcare. we need that.
i have a mountain of debt which i resolutely WILL NOT hoist upon someone else.
we like to eat, and even, sometimes to wear nice clothes.
i celebrate holidays with gifts. when there is not a holiday at hand, i make one up.
i want my daughter to have the option of going to college without the panic about it that i faced from year to year (though i do want her to work and earn it...) so i have an account for her that i like to be able to stuff from time to time.
and finally, i like money... having it, spending it, knowing that i have enough to do a little something every now and again and not worrying.
we need me to work. and honestly, I need me to work.

this isn't to say, though, that if i could wave the magic debt-elimination wand and have another one for spending cash, and a third for bill-be-gone i wouldn't take it. i'd really rather love the option of working when and where i chose. i'd love to work as a volunteer for a cause that really moves me... or even not for a cause, but at a vet, or a bakery, or a greenhouse, or a florist... doing something with my hands and my heart... part time.

i want to be home when my daughter comes home from school ( that's just over 3 years from now) to bathe her in the hugs and enthusiasm she showers on me when i come home from work.
i want to be able to have lush dinners that took me hours to prepare, instead of what i could throw together in a half hour of fatigued un-winding after work and before bath and bed time.
i want to have a spark of spirit left in me, so that when my husband says "let's go hang out with K and C for a couple of hours and have some hangin' out fun" i'm not already calculating how that's going to weigh in against my sleep debt for the week.
heck - i'd like to have an hour or so every couple of days to work out that doesn't steal time from the closely regulated precious little that i have to actually share with them.
i won't even talk about cleaning, because truth be told, i'd rather have the money to hire a service than the time to spend doing it myself...

i work for money because i must. if i didn't need to, i'd still work, but it would be for me... for personal whosie-what's. and it would be on my terms... definitely part time, and most likely just for pin money, or vacation fund, or for "spoiling my college bound daughter with a gift certificate from the local grocer so she can make some hot-pot krispy treats and maybe have a nice salad..."

we return now to our regular programming....