Stuffy nose has moved into a cough for the baby, and on to most of the rest of the house.
I woke up at about 4:30 this morning. I was wide awake by 5:00. And I DESPERATELY wanted to stay in bed today... not because I'm not feeling well, but because I just wanted to be close to my daughter while she's not. I found myself imagining, at 20 past 5 how nice it would be to hold her while she slept... to be her comfort and warmth for another 3 or 4 hours... and then to read with her, and possibly even play quietly for another part of the morning.
She IS feeling better - at least she was yesterday when I got home from work - and was playing happily, actively, much as I'm accustomed to. But I know that she's also having more quiet time - still - while she's taking the medicine and recuperating.
Some days it's really hard to be away, knowing that my daughter is growing up outside of my daytime company. I console myself by saying that I'm making the best choices I can, ensuring that we have healthcare coverage and working on putting together her college fund... but some days it's just so tough to be far-sighted and ignore the fact that I'm not "stuck" watching Sesame Street and TeleTubbies twice a day... because she likes them so well.
I still get to teach her things in the evening... we're working on "happy" and "sad" and "up" and "down" this week... and probably next... and the sounds that Turkeys and Ghosts make (I'd like her to be fluent in each by their respective holidays - I think it would be fun). We definitely play... but I know that I'm missing things, and some days, like today, it makes me just a little sad.
31 August 2005
30 August 2005
On the bright side...
The member of the housekeeping staff who knows that T.P. is supposed to go over the roll has returned, and with her, my sense of serenity when using the ladies' room.
29 August 2005
Little nose...
My baby has a summer cold.
It started with a runny nose which we THOUGHT we might be able to attribute to new teeth. But new teeth don't also bring on sneezing, and recently coughing. The poor thing had begun, by Friday evening, to shudder at the sight of a tissue.
So yesterday we bought her some infant's decongestant.
My active, bright, curious, active little girl; my tumble monkey; my whirling dervish of a daughter -
slept,
sat on laps,
didn't eat much,
and for the most part,
let the medicine do it's thing... slow her down.
Never, ever, ever believe the mother of an active child when she says "I just wish she would slow down a little." She doesn't mean it. She can't. Because, when the child DOES slow down, the mother worries. It's OBVIOUS there's something wrong... and it feels really, REALLY, weird.
I know it's just the medicine - doing it's thing - and I think she's possibly already feeling better for the rest her little body so desperately needs.
Still - I hope it only takes a few days for this to pass - and my bundle of boundless energy is bounding into (and out of) my arms again.
It started with a runny nose which we THOUGHT we might be able to attribute to new teeth. But new teeth don't also bring on sneezing, and recently coughing. The poor thing had begun, by Friday evening, to shudder at the sight of a tissue.
So yesterday we bought her some infant's decongestant.
My active, bright, curious, active little girl; my tumble monkey; my whirling dervish of a daughter -
slept,
sat on laps,
didn't eat much,
and for the most part,
let the medicine do it's thing... slow her down.
Never, ever, ever believe the mother of an active child when she says "I just wish she would slow down a little." She doesn't mean it. She can't. Because, when the child DOES slow down, the mother worries. It's OBVIOUS there's something wrong... and it feels really, REALLY, weird.
I know it's just the medicine - doing it's thing - and I think she's possibly already feeling better for the rest her little body so desperately needs.
Still - I hope it only takes a few days for this to pass - and my bundle of boundless energy is bounding into (and out of) my arms again.
Quitter
I've tried reading Lucy 3 times now.
The first time I was pregnant, and just about nothing could hold my attention.
The second time I was three or four pages into the book and we started packing for the move from Ann Arbor.
The last time - the very recent last time - I was really REALLY trying to read it, but life kept getting in the way... and then...
And then Eldest was delivered... and my mom, who had rightful first dibs on the book, told me that if I could read it in a reasonable time, that she'd let me read it first.
Elation...
And poor Lucy, tossed (once again) aside.
Eldest is good. It's, so far, as good at Eragon. There are interesting new lines that I'm glad didn't get dropped. He's older now, and wiser, and it's really pleasing to see the attributes of age in his characterization.
I'm still only about 150 pages in... and I think it's another 500 page book... so things could change, but for now I'm lovin' it.
I'll keep you posted.
The first time I was pregnant, and just about nothing could hold my attention.
The second time I was three or four pages into the book and we started packing for the move from Ann Arbor.
The last time - the very recent last time - I was really REALLY trying to read it, but life kept getting in the way... and then...
And then Eldest was delivered... and my mom, who had rightful first dibs on the book, told me that if I could read it in a reasonable time, that she'd let me read it first.
Elation...
And poor Lucy, tossed (once again) aside.
Eldest is good. It's, so far, as good at Eragon. There are interesting new lines that I'm glad didn't get dropped. He's older now, and wiser, and it's really pleasing to see the attributes of age in his characterization.
I'm still only about 150 pages in... and I think it's another 500 page book... so things could change, but for now I'm lovin' it.
I'll keep you posted.
26 August 2005
Twenty... plenty
I have 20 days between now and my first official day on the new job. Roughly 3 weeks.
My office has been rearranged per my neurotic specifications (i.e. the desk has been turned to face the door, rendering me far less susceptible to bouts of being peeled off the ceiling from the unnoticed appearance of people at my desk while my back is turned).
I have been welcomed by my new boss to begin moving my things up at my convenience.
I have spent two weeks training my co-workers and "replacement" on the tools that I use on a daily basis in completing my work.
I am ready to move... to move on... to move out.
My office has been rearranged per my neurotic specifications (i.e. the desk has been turned to face the door, rendering me far less susceptible to bouts of being peeled off the ceiling from the unnoticed appearance of people at my desk while my back is turned).
I have been welcomed by my new boss to begin moving my things up at my convenience.
I have spent two weeks training my co-workers and "replacement" on the tools that I use on a daily basis in completing my work.
I am ready to move... to move on... to move out.
24 August 2005
You Know You're a Control Freak When...
You feel oddly compelled to switch the toilet paper in the Ladies' room at work to go over the roll (not under, like the new housekeeping staff obviously likes it)...
... in every single stall
... on every floor you visit.
... in every single stall
... on every floor you visit.
23 August 2005
The Weekend
At first I thought - " Hmm, a nice weekend getaway in Northern Wisconsin, to attend the wedding of the daughter of my dad's oldest and probably best friend, that sounds nice."
That was before I knew how miserably far away Northern Wisconsin IS from southeast Michigan.
That was before I considered that it was orange cone season.
That was before I remembered that even a short trip - like to the grocery story - increases in complication factor EXPONENTIALLY when you have a 16 month old child with you.
We left somewhat after I got home from work on Friday. I'll say we left sometime near 5.
11 and 1/2 hours later we pulled up to the motel (yes, with an M).
On the window of the front office (a separate building from the actual rooms) there was a Budweiser sign, welcoming fishermen. On the door of said front office were two numbers to dial if you required help with anything - like, oh, checking in.
We were probably in the room by 4 (CDT) which was 5 my time. This meant that I had officially been awake 24 hours before any hope of going to sleep. It's been a long time since the last time I was awake for 24 hours... and THEN I was having fun...
Ok - so Saturday was pretty nice - slept in somewhat, had pretty weather, a decent breakfast, discovered that I had misplaced my ATM/debit card (YIKES!) pretty wedding, happy and well behaved daughter, occasional bouts of sleep-deprivation-induced Foul Mood, scenic route to video store, quick visit to Dairy Queen (YUM!) and relatively early to bed. It was pretty nice.
We had a plan for the drive home. We were DECIDEDLY going to make more stops, take care of our own fueling needs as much as the mini-van's (a rental - mercifully, brilliantly, decided upon by my mother who realised how horribly uncomfortable a long, cramped, trip would be). We even decided to take another route home - so as to avoid many of the construction woes we encountered on the way "to."
We were making pretty good time. It looked a lot like we'd be home sometime between midnight and 1... which would have allowed a decent (though not optimal) amount of sleep before my 4:30 or 5:00 am work alarm.
Then we hit THIS... which was pretty horrible. The last line, however, says it all... well, almost all. We spent 2 hours trying to move about a half a mile. really.
We got home at about half past three. By the time things were put away, the baby brought to bed, and I got settled in to sleep, I had about an hour and a half left for sleep. And that was "sleeping in" allowing myself no time for anything more than feeding the cat, throwing on clothes, and walking out the door.
I feel much better today. I got an excellent night's sleep last night (the weather even cooperated, being cool and breezy enough to sleep with the windows open!) and I'm ready to face the day!
That was before I knew how miserably far away Northern Wisconsin IS from southeast Michigan.
That was before I considered that it was orange cone season.
That was before I remembered that even a short trip - like to the grocery story - increases in complication factor EXPONENTIALLY when you have a 16 month old child with you.
We left somewhat after I got home from work on Friday. I'll say we left sometime near 5.
11 and 1/2 hours later we pulled up to the motel (yes, with an M).
On the window of the front office (a separate building from the actual rooms) there was a Budweiser sign, welcoming fishermen. On the door of said front office were two numbers to dial if you required help with anything - like, oh, checking in.
We were probably in the room by 4 (CDT) which was 5 my time. This meant that I had officially been awake 24 hours before any hope of going to sleep. It's been a long time since the last time I was awake for 24 hours... and THEN I was having fun...
Ok - so Saturday was pretty nice - slept in somewhat, had pretty weather, a decent breakfast, discovered that I had misplaced my ATM/debit card (YIKES!) pretty wedding, happy and well behaved daughter, occasional bouts of sleep-deprivation-induced Foul Mood, scenic route to video store, quick visit to Dairy Queen (YUM!) and relatively early to bed. It was pretty nice.
We had a plan for the drive home. We were DECIDEDLY going to make more stops, take care of our own fueling needs as much as the mini-van's (a rental - mercifully, brilliantly, decided upon by my mother who realised how horribly uncomfortable a long, cramped, trip would be). We even decided to take another route home - so as to avoid many of the construction woes we encountered on the way "to."
We were making pretty good time. It looked a lot like we'd be home sometime between midnight and 1... which would have allowed a decent (though not optimal) amount of sleep before my 4:30 or 5:00 am work alarm.
Then we hit THIS... which was pretty horrible. The last line, however, says it all... well, almost all. We spent 2 hours trying to move about a half a mile. really.
We got home at about half past three. By the time things were put away, the baby brought to bed, and I got settled in to sleep, I had about an hour and a half left for sleep. And that was "sleeping in" allowing myself no time for anything more than feeding the cat, throwing on clothes, and walking out the door.
I feel much better today. I got an excellent night's sleep last night (the weather even cooperated, being cool and breezy enough to sleep with the windows open!) and I'm ready to face the day!
22 August 2005
Skipped Ahead
OK - I cheated. Generally I don't lay aside one book in order to read another, but I was recenly loaned a copy of The Kite Runner, and when I'm loaned a book, I like to return it as soon as is humanly possible. So I let my mom (the speed reaeder) have it for two days, and I read it on the road yesterday (long story, a DIFFERENT post).
This was a profoundly moving book.
It's full of the human condition.
It's pregnant with self-actualization.
It's resplendent with sadness.
I cried a few times - something I don't usually do. I laughed a few times... but not in mirth... it was laughter in spite of itself.
This is a wonderful book to read to remind you of the glories in your life... the big and small ones. It is a book to teach one's self a new measure of humility.
It left me feeling somewhat empty, but sublimely full at the same time.
This was a profoundly moving book.
It's full of the human condition.
It's pregnant with self-actualization.
It's resplendent with sadness.
I cried a few times - something I don't usually do. I laughed a few times... but not in mirth... it was laughter in spite of itself.
This is a wonderful book to read to remind you of the glories in your life... the big and small ones. It is a book to teach one's self a new measure of humility.
It left me feeling somewhat empty, but sublimely full at the same time.
16 August 2005
Progress
My successor - sort of - has been named.
They morphed my job, beefing it up a few pay grades in the process. I used to be crabby about it. I guess I still am, but right now I'm focusing my energy on just moving forward.
Anywho - with the "replacement" named, we can start doing training. This is a really good thing, because (theoretically) now that I can start training someone to do my old stuff, I can start getting training on my new stuff. Which means that in the next couple of weeks I might actually be spending time in my new office!
I'm really keen on being in my new office.
Actually, right now, I'm really keen on rearranging my new office... then getting into it... then decorating it... then actually WORKING in it!
That's about all I have work-wise... well, all I have that's fit to print.
The weekend was good - my husband managed to be real help in his dad's efforts to build a front deck on their house. I wish the weather had been cooler... there's something utterly heartrending about watching my husband sweat.
We spent some high-quality dinner and baby time with friends B&E and K&C (the baby's godparents). I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready to be social yet, but it was really great to practice in the able hands of people who really care.
On the homefront - we're - ok - THEY'RE making real progress on grandma's house. The wallpaper in the kitchen is up, painting has happened and is happening, old wallpaper is being torn down (REALLY OLD wallpaper - the kind that adamantly refuses to give up the ghost!). There are plans for new linoleum in the kitchen and new carpet everywhere else. I'm feeling pretty confident that by the end of the week, it might actually look salable!
On the other homefront... we're planning our trip to Wisconsin for the weekend. Wedding of the daughter of one of my dad's oldest friends. It's supposed to be a very casual (jeans and t-shirt) BBQ affair, on a lake. I'm looking forward to it. This is my favorite kind of wedding to attend right now... a small collection of the bride and groom's friends and family, and entirely frou-frou free. Probably I should attend something that requires a little effort sooner or later, but for right now, I'm altogether too keen on comfort to care.
Ok - no more real news. I have to write some work instructions anyway...
They morphed my job, beefing it up a few pay grades in the process. I used to be crabby about it. I guess I still am, but right now I'm focusing my energy on just moving forward.
Anywho - with the "replacement" named, we can start doing training. This is a really good thing, because (theoretically) now that I can start training someone to do my old stuff, I can start getting training on my new stuff. Which means that in the next couple of weeks I might actually be spending time in my new office!
I'm really keen on being in my new office.
Actually, right now, I'm really keen on rearranging my new office... then getting into it... then decorating it... then actually WORKING in it!
That's about all I have work-wise... well, all I have that's fit to print.
The weekend was good - my husband managed to be real help in his dad's efforts to build a front deck on their house. I wish the weather had been cooler... there's something utterly heartrending about watching my husband sweat.
We spent some high-quality dinner and baby time with friends B&E and K&C (the baby's godparents). I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready to be social yet, but it was really great to practice in the able hands of people who really care.
On the homefront - we're - ok - THEY'RE making real progress on grandma's house. The wallpaper in the kitchen is up, painting has happened and is happening, old wallpaper is being torn down (REALLY OLD wallpaper - the kind that adamantly refuses to give up the ghost!). There are plans for new linoleum in the kitchen and new carpet everywhere else. I'm feeling pretty confident that by the end of the week, it might actually look salable!
On the other homefront... we're planning our trip to Wisconsin for the weekend. Wedding of the daughter of one of my dad's oldest friends. It's supposed to be a very casual (jeans and t-shirt) BBQ affair, on a lake. I'm looking forward to it. This is my favorite kind of wedding to attend right now... a small collection of the bride and groom's friends and family, and entirely frou-frou free. Probably I should attend something that requires a little effort sooner or later, but for right now, I'm altogether too keen on comfort to care.
Ok - no more real news. I have to write some work instructions anyway...
11 August 2005
Wiped
I can't remember the last time I was this tired and not S-I-C-K.
I DRAGGED myself out of bed this morning... almost literally. Head throbbing, shoulders aching, throat skrtichy, and eyes as bleary as they would be after a night - years ago - of drinking, dancing, and otherwise mis-behaving.
Work has been a chore of Herculean proportions - just keeping my focus keen and my temper in check. Fortunately, there are a handful of folks around here who can ALWAYS make me smile (or even laugh) and a larger network of supportive people who make sure I get e-mails that keep me from going over the edge!
I'm going straight home tonight... no work on my grandmother's house. I'm going to swim with my daughter (I think) and take the time to make a yummy dinner for the household.
And when I've finally got all of the day behind me and out of my head, I am going to drift off into EXTREMELY peaceful sleep...
Until tomorrow starts all over again.
I DRAGGED myself out of bed this morning... almost literally. Head throbbing, shoulders aching, throat skrtichy, and eyes as bleary as they would be after a night - years ago - of drinking, dancing, and otherwise mis-behaving.
Work has been a chore of Herculean proportions - just keeping my focus keen and my temper in check. Fortunately, there are a handful of folks around here who can ALWAYS make me smile (or even laugh) and a larger network of supportive people who make sure I get e-mails that keep me from going over the edge!
I'm going straight home tonight... no work on my grandmother's house. I'm going to swim with my daughter (I think) and take the time to make a yummy dinner for the household.
And when I've finally got all of the day behind me and out of my head, I am going to drift off into EXTREMELY peaceful sleep...
Until tomorrow starts all over again.
09 August 2005
Back in the Saddle
Well, after days of funeral, family, and dust dirt and grime, I'm back to work.
The family and the dust dirt and grime aren't behind me... we're still cleaning out almost 60 years of basement at my grandmother's house. My aunt and uncle and one of my cousins during the day (my dad too, while he's still on bereavement leave) and the rest of us as time permits after work. It's likely going to last for at least the rest of the week... though I'm more inclined to believe it will be the rest of the month. Ugh.
NOTE TO SELF:
Ensure, as I start getting "up there" in years, that all birthday parties (well, probably more likely my un-birthday parties, as my birthday is January) are garage sales.
Work didn't stop being work when I left, and as my timing coincided with the vacation of a co-worker, there has been a SCREAMING amount of work accumulating in my absence.
I'm swamped.
More when I don't have to wear hip-waders.
The family and the dust dirt and grime aren't behind me... we're still cleaning out almost 60 years of basement at my grandmother's house. My aunt and uncle and one of my cousins during the day (my dad too, while he's still on bereavement leave) and the rest of us as time permits after work. It's likely going to last for at least the rest of the week... though I'm more inclined to believe it will be the rest of the month. Ugh.
NOTE TO SELF:
Ensure, as I start getting "up there" in years, that all birthday parties (well, probably more likely my un-birthday parties, as my birthday is January) are garage sales.
Work didn't stop being work when I left, and as my timing coincided with the vacation of a co-worker, there has been a SCREAMING amount of work accumulating in my absence.
I'm swamped.
More when I don't have to wear hip-waders.
03 August 2005
Goodbye
My grandma died yesterday.
All things considered, this is a very good thing. My father's siblings can rest now... soon. My dad too. My grandma too... finally.
I'd like to be able to itemize a list of wonderful things about my grandma that I will miss, or tell you about the great legacy of "x" that she left for me. Truth is, I can't. Except, perhaps, the lesson that "just because you're family doesn't mean I love you."
I'm learning to let go of the resentment I feel toward her for that.
I think that starts with being glad for her that she's in a better place.
All things considered, this is a very good thing. My father's siblings can rest now... soon. My dad too. My grandma too... finally.
I'd like to be able to itemize a list of wonderful things about my grandma that I will miss, or tell you about the great legacy of "x" that she left for me. Truth is, I can't. Except, perhaps, the lesson that "just because you're family doesn't mean I love you."
I'm learning to let go of the resentment I feel toward her for that.
I think that starts with being glad for her that she's in a better place.
02 August 2005
Dem Bones
I finished The Lovely Bones.
It was good. I'd recommend it. It's soft and, while sometimes sentimental almost to the point of precious, mostly just gentle.
It's not something you should read because you like to read about serial killers. Take it from me.
But it is a good tale of the ties that bind... and some that don't.
It was good. I'd recommend it. It's soft and, while sometimes sentimental almost to the point of precious, mostly just gentle.
It's not something you should read because you like to read about serial killers. Take it from me.
But it is a good tale of the ties that bind... and some that don't.
Tech Now Oh Gee!
Gr
I spent ALL day yesterday trying to get a system to return a simple set of information.
I almost got dragged down that same path today... but the thing is, I just don't have time for it.
So I had to use a different tool. Lucky me, I have one to use.
Sometimes that's a good way to look at life too.
Oh - and this morning, the guy at the front desk taught me a great way to answer the unending bane of my conversational self "how are you today?" His answer to me was - "Good, so far." I think this is brilliant, because it still leaves you room to have a continuing good day (I mean, how bad can it be at 7 in the morning, unless you've got into an accident on your way in to work (which would exempt you from having to answer the question) or had traffic, which even then, that early, only makes you a little cranky...) or to watch your day go down the tubes because the all-new-uber-system that took everyone months to figure out, can't get a simple report to you after 8 hours of trying... compounded with all the other extraneous crap that happens in a regular day. And that phrase "Good, so far" just sings out that these kinds of days happen, they happen to you, and you fully anticipate one of them is lurking around just about any corner waiting to pounce.
Um... yeah... good morning.
I spent ALL day yesterday trying to get a system to return a simple set of information.
I almost got dragged down that same path today... but the thing is, I just don't have time for it.
So I had to use a different tool. Lucky me, I have one to use.
Sometimes that's a good way to look at life too.
Oh - and this morning, the guy at the front desk taught me a great way to answer the unending bane of my conversational self "how are you today?" His answer to me was - "Good, so far." I think this is brilliant, because it still leaves you room to have a continuing good day (I mean, how bad can it be at 7 in the morning, unless you've got into an accident on your way in to work (which would exempt you from having to answer the question) or had traffic, which even then, that early, only makes you a little cranky...) or to watch your day go down the tubes because the all-new-uber-system that took everyone months to figure out, can't get a simple report to you after 8 hours of trying... compounded with all the other extraneous crap that happens in a regular day. And that phrase "Good, so far" just sings out that these kinds of days happen, they happen to you, and you fully anticipate one of them is lurking around just about any corner waiting to pounce.
Um... yeah... good morning.
01 August 2005
Flotsam
I don't really have anything to say - the book took an interesting turn during my lunch break, but if I say anything about it, it will spoil it for anyone who wants to read it.
I guess I mostly just wanted to feel connected.
I guess I mostly just wanted to feel connected.
Cosmetiquette
I don't normally wear makeup.
Partly because I don't like it.
Partly because it takes time to apply it.*
Partly because it means I have to take extra time at night to wash it off.
Partly because, apart from photographs, I don't think most women need it, and I firmly believe that FAR TOO MANY women have been convinced that they do.
I have makeup on today.
The story:
Since my late 20's but ESPECIALLY since pregnancy and the birth of my daughter, I have had bad skin. This was a miserable realisation for me, as I had beautiful skin through my teens, which are supposed to be the worst. There are a lot of reasons why my skin could have taken a nose dive... not as much time spent on washing my face before bed; entering the work force full time and dealing with a world of financial stress I never thought I'd suffer; sitting, bored, through meetings with my cheek in my palm; hormone changes... who knows... there are a lot of possibilities - and combinations of them.
Anywho... the bad skin is exacerbated by the fact that I can't leave the blemishes alone and find myself as often as not tugging at the rough edges of my skin until - well, until my face is a nasty mess of sores, scabs, and ugly blotches of red.
Recently, significant stresses in my life have had an unnerving effect on the state of my face... and I'm blotched with ugliness across my forehead and down most of my right cheek. Quite honestly, it's damned ugly.
For my own sake this isn't a problem. I don't look in the mirror all that much anyway.
But this morning, I got to thinking about how uncomfortable my franken-face must make others. I know that when I see someone with an obvious disfigurement, despite every attempt to behave normally, my eye traces to the cold sore, or the giant pimple, or the scar, or the scab, or... you get the picture. My drifting attention makes me uncomfortable, because I'm always wondering if the person with the unfortunate affliction is wondering if I'm looking at it, or if it really doesn't show, or whatever. Under those circumstances, it often feels like absolutely no headway - or social discourse - is actually happening, and we're both doing a very uncomfortable version of the Mexican Hat Dance around the offending malady.
So... this morning... for the sake of those around me... and the work and conversations and social discourse I would like to support, I put on makeup.
The most amusing bit is that apart from a meeting this morning (a meeting with people who I wouldn't at all have minded offending, by the way) no one's seen me.
* As a note for all of you who inclined to advise me that I can do a "quick coat" of just my "focus areas" in only 5 minutes... that is five minutes of sleep, tooth brushing, hair brushing, cat feeding, etc that I'd rather not add to my already insane 4:30 wake up time!
Partly because I don't like it.
Partly because it takes time to apply it.*
Partly because it means I have to take extra time at night to wash it off.
Partly because, apart from photographs, I don't think most women need it, and I firmly believe that FAR TOO MANY women have been convinced that they do.
I have makeup on today.
The story:
Since my late 20's but ESPECIALLY since pregnancy and the birth of my daughter, I have had bad skin. This was a miserable realisation for me, as I had beautiful skin through my teens, which are supposed to be the worst. There are a lot of reasons why my skin could have taken a nose dive... not as much time spent on washing my face before bed; entering the work force full time and dealing with a world of financial stress I never thought I'd suffer; sitting, bored, through meetings with my cheek in my palm; hormone changes... who knows... there are a lot of possibilities - and combinations of them.
Anywho... the bad skin is exacerbated by the fact that I can't leave the blemishes alone and find myself as often as not tugging at the rough edges of my skin until - well, until my face is a nasty mess of sores, scabs, and ugly blotches of red.
Recently, significant stresses in my life have had an unnerving effect on the state of my face... and I'm blotched with ugliness across my forehead and down most of my right cheek. Quite honestly, it's damned ugly.
For my own sake this isn't a problem. I don't look in the mirror all that much anyway.
But this morning, I got to thinking about how uncomfortable my franken-face must make others. I know that when I see someone with an obvious disfigurement, despite every attempt to behave normally, my eye traces to the cold sore, or the giant pimple, or the scar, or the scab, or... you get the picture. My drifting attention makes me uncomfortable, because I'm always wondering if the person with the unfortunate affliction is wondering if I'm looking at it, or if it really doesn't show, or whatever. Under those circumstances, it often feels like absolutely no headway - or social discourse - is actually happening, and we're both doing a very uncomfortable version of the Mexican Hat Dance around the offending malady.
So... this morning... for the sake of those around me... and the work and conversations and social discourse I would like to support, I put on makeup.
The most amusing bit is that apart from a meeting this morning (a meeting with people who I wouldn't at all have minded offending, by the way) no one's seen me.
* As a note for all of you who inclined to advise me that I can do a "quick coat" of just my "focus areas" in only 5 minutes... that is five minutes of sleep, tooth brushing, hair brushing, cat feeding, etc that I'd rather not add to my already insane 4:30 wake up time!
Lovely Bones
I'm still not sure why it's called that, but the book is pretty good. It's loosely about a serial killer... and mostly about one of his victims and her family... for better or worse... and about heaven. I picture of heaven which I have to admit, I rather enjoy.
My favorite part of the book, though, is still the first few opening lines:
So far, with about 3/4 of the book behind me, it's a really good read.
My favorite part of the book, though, is still the first few opening lines:
"My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name Susie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973."
So far, with about 3/4 of the book behind me, it's a really good read.
It's not the Louvre, but...
I have a "drawing" hanging on my blue bulletin board above my computer. My daughter made it for me. Mostly it's a collection of green, yellow (the only color she can sort of say), orange, black, blue, and red. She has lost her brown crayon (I know where it is) and doesn't have a purple on in her bucket yet. There's no meaning to the scribbles, and I can't find any hidden pictures - partly because I refuse to look for them. I have it because it's an expression of her desire to learn new things... a testament to her unmitigated compulsion to learn - and play. I have it at work because it's especially important for me to remember that message while I'm looking at the same kind of request for the umpteenth time in a month.
And because it reminds me of sitting behind her as she stood at the paper on the stool, giddy with crayons in her hands and mama at her back... and the smell of her hair and the warmth of her as she leaned back against me to review her work. In short, because it reminds me of being with her, and being happy.
I never used to be able to understand why my mom cared so much about the scribbles I put on her refrigerator door... and sometimes even felt guilty that I hadn't taken enough time to make something that warranted that kind of display.
I get it now.
And because it reminds me of sitting behind her as she stood at the paper on the stool, giddy with crayons in her hands and mama at her back... and the smell of her hair and the warmth of her as she leaned back against me to review her work. In short, because it reminds me of being with her, and being happy.
I never used to be able to understand why my mom cared so much about the scribbles I put on her refrigerator door... and sometimes even felt guilty that I hadn't taken enough time to make something that warranted that kind of display.
I get it now.
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