library junkie

i'm on a whole big kick at the library

books for me, books for mom. so far, none for the baby- - she still doesn't have the gist of borrowing and returning - - soon though.

and i get sound recordings too - not that i'm too lazy to read, but boy oh boy don't they make the hour long commute to work a whole lot more palatable... almost to the point of giving it meaning!

i still haven't worked my way up to the videos. partly because i am still not sure which are charged and which are not - - not to mention my new netflix subscription...

anywho. oh yeah - as an update - the Kingdom Hospital rentals are going very well... VERY well. i've made my way through disc two and i am still hooked. (as it were). in case y'all were interested.

i still haven't done any real work with the costumes for pigman. it's coming, but i need to be of a mind to do it. also, i need to find a ratty old red plaid flannel shirt that I don't mind doing in a bit.

and i have to go shopping for a bridal shower. and to the vet for some cat food. and possibly even to old navy - i really want a denim skirt... they have it on line... maybe there will be one in the store.

right now, though, it's time for tea, toast, and work.

i can stop watching tv

- at least until Survivor season starts.

last night my heather won hell's kitchen and all is right with my television world.

now i just need to lose these last five pounds (to goal #1) before the end of the month and i think i might just find some serious happiness.

right after some toast and tea.

punching bag weekend

friday - - banged my back while popping a balloon with my backside in a wacked out relay race with coworkers
saturday - - worked as a pig person in the morning, spent the better part of the afternoon mowing the lawn, evening, baby bashed me in the nose with her noggin...
sunday - - ouchie everywhere and a long car ride.
this morning - - awakened with an ear ache and some balance trouble

at least i'm having fun

cravings

diet update for y'all: i am really REALLY struggling

i got myself down to a loss of over 30 pounds fairly easily. since then i've been bouncing up and down inside a 10 pound range for well over a month. i keep trying to tell myself that once i break through the bottom of this 10 pound range, and pass my first in a series of three goals, that i will be so pleased with the results of all that hard work that i won't mess up again for a while. of course, i tell myself this at the same time that i'm working on convincing myself that "one little reese's cup won't do all that much damage," and "how bad can ONE cupcake be." truth is that one little cup isn't all that bad, and one cupcake will not ruin a week... unless of course the cup and the cupcake and the pb&j sammich and the extra slice of pizza all happen in the same week. nevermind that the rest of the week i'm eating lean protein and vegetables out the ying-ying, and really taking care of my water levels and doing all the right things right... (ok, truth be told, i'm also not exercising like i ought to be, and the stress at work has got to have my cortisol levels through the roof, but aside from all that...) i know that i'm giving in too easily to the little cravings (for food and for languishing on the porch swing...) are doing me in.

why am i giving in? well, mostly because i'm REALLY working on convincing myself that i'm NOT on a diet, and that i AM participating in a lifestyle change (albeit woefully lacking in the exercise element) and that if i think of it as a diet and deprive myself of the occasional treat that i'll fail miserably. problem is, i over occasion the treats, i suppose. i lose sight of the fact that an extra slice of pizza is a treat that surpasses my entire lunch in nutritional elements like calories and fat and carbs... my new "plan" (as i'm always "planning") is to allow myself either one small treat per day of the week (small treat being no more than 100 calories) or one big treat once a week (a big treat being anything that ranks on the level of a meal's worth of calories). this, of course, is starting now (after my midmorning pb&j). i get no more treats this week.
next week i think i'm really going to focus on making sure i have just the little treats... they make me a lot happier.

end of diety babble session. i have to mentally prepare myself for the departmental picnic this afternoon - - did i mention it's being catered???

sigh...

proving grounds

for quite some time now i've been living under the suspicion that a certain man of my acquaintance was - - is - - a real jerk. but, i've had no hard evidence of it - - hearsay, yes; tell-tale signs, yes - - but no real proof.

today he first hand delivered the final blow to his case.

while making my toast and preparing to collect my hot water for tea, the self-same man walked up to the coffee machine (which i had turned on on my way down the hall, even though he was here well before *I* was and walks past the exact same coffee machine on his way down the hall) and pulled the spigot and got nothing. "Well," he says to me, "I was hoping to get some coffee, but it looks like D hasn't made any yet..." and he ambles off - - obviously COMPLETELY determined that he won't be making any coffee.

this is the same man who, in spite of the fact that his own wife has had a child and he has first hand experience with pregnancy, has told his pregnant subordinate "Honestly, if your back is hurting you while sitting in your office chair, you should probably take the time as medical leave and not work at all, i can't see how working from home would be a solution..." can't see how it would be a solution? how about because at home you can sit on your couch and put up your feet and alleviate most of the things that are irritating your sciatica WITHOUT having to eat into the family leave time that's associated with your pregnancy/maternity leave and WITHOUT cutting short your postpartum time with the BRAND NEW BABY???? how about that???

the same man who routinely passes off the work that he feels is too detailed (or not gloryful enough) to others inside AND outside his team. the same man who refuses to learn how to use the new tool because he doesn't believe he'll ever have a use for it - even though he's asked others with access to (and training in) the new tool to pull information for him.

still - - i'm really trying to focus on the fact that all people are flawed and need forgiveness and love. i'm one of those folks... the flawed ones... and *I* need forgiveness and love... and i am working on figuring out a way to get past this man's egocentric behaviour and move forward in peace and love.

This is not my beautiful cup of tea...

cold

i have been cold for hours now - cold last evening, cold last night - - all night, cold this morning, cold still now.

ok, i'll grant you that apart from those few months of pregnancy when i was downright boiling in my own blood (and that of the baby) i've never really ever suffered too much from too hot... i can probably still count on fingers and toes the number of times i've ever complained (at least as an adult) about the heat, but to be all but shivering cold, wrapped in a comforter, in the nearly-middle of August - - in Michigan? Come on - even old ladies are warm in the middle of august in Michigan.

I have ruled out thin blood (at least artificially) as I don't take any medicines, let alone any that would thin my blood, and I don't drink enough water, and when i do stub a toe or whatnot, i clot up really nicely - thank you.

truth be told - i think i broke myself in Vegas. seriously. Hot hot hot (upwards of 106) and humid... couldn't something like that set your climate control for milder climes all a-wonk for a good long time?

missed the Kingdom

argh - how could i be so - - what, exactly? not stupid, most likely just tired.

i just finished listening to the journals of eleanor druse (a hyperion audio book) which is something of a part of the basis for the Kingdom Hospital t.v. show that aired a while back... which i completely missed - - every episode.

now i'm on something of a mad quest to get the dvd's and see if justice was served on this - the story was particularly good... and of course, i'm in a "spooky" frame of mind (what with Halloween only 2 and a half months away.

speaking of Halloween - my husband and i will be volunteering our hands, hearts, and possibly our "acting skills" at the Pigman's Lair at the Chelsea Fairgrounds this year. for me - it's a long time wish that i've taken upon myself to fulfill - - for my husband... well, you'd have to ask my husband, but if i had to guess i'd say it's love and support... and possibly a dash of fun.

also - we'll be taking a trip sometime in October (earlier than later) to visit Goatman Hollow as well. another long time wish of mine - to begin to venture once a year to a new haunted attraction someplace in the country other than our haunts in Michigan. the thrill factor for me on this one is somewhat eclipsed by the sheer joy of going, but i'm hoping that won't last for long.

te he he

in the meantime, i am populating my summer reading list (and listening list) with things horrific, and allowing all the vacuum in my head to draw into anything frightening that comes our way.

toast needs protein

something about toast makes me happy.

my friend Q says it has to do with the link between carbs and insulin and serotonan.
i think it's also closely linked to the almost fresh baked bread crossed with the nuttiness of the aroma.

heck - almost anything associated with nuttiness makes me happy.

thing is - - protein satisfies my hungry. if i have a big old chunk of chicken, or sometimes even just an egg or some cheese, i'm good for quite a while before i start thinking about nibbling again... you know, unless i have some sort of ridiculous craving, or i get evil bored.

so what i need is some super protein fortified (like I don't know 15 or so grams?) preferably multi grain bread with only 40 calories a slice (like what i'm eating now) and a bunch of fiber (just because it's a good way to start the day), a dab of margarine (i really can't abide the taste of butter), and a toaster.

and some earl grey.

and maybe (MAYBE) sometimes some marmalade.

and a porch swing... with some birdsong... and a nice warm/gentle breeze

and a porch - ocean-view would be best.

mail in junkie

EDIT:: links to forms to share the wealth
pirate shirt from kraft
$10 blockbuster from dixie

i love getting rewarded for doing what i normally do anyway...

item - - i drink lots of diet coke. i keep tabs on the lids, register, enter some codes, and 6 months later i have a $100 blockbuster card

item - - my daughter loves kraft singles. i send in two proofs of purchase and a form, and lo! i'm a pirate shirt more bounteous

item - - i stock my bathroom with dixie cups. i send in a proof of purchase and a receipt and it's more blockbuster money for me.

this stuff makes my head spin with giddy...

if ONLY i could find forms that would reward me for my pen, pencil, and other (wanton) school supply shopping!!!

Weekend Fizz

although i enjoy the idea of long languid summers, the heat and humidity does me in...

in my romantic mind, sultry summers are defined by Gatsby's daisy and the downy armed ladies of Prufrock - lounging on their setees amid the gently billowing ceiling to floor sheers against open windows enjoying the gentle breezes of high society and summering the hamptons

in reality, this kind of summer is a very alluring invitation to another bout of Epstein Barr / CFS. the languid i fantasize becomes the exhausted i experience, and sultry very quickly dissolves into sulky, as i realise that anything i think i want to do feels like it takes three or four times the effort than it normally would if i just didn't feel so ridiculously tired.

fortunately i can accept (because i am actively seeking the harmony life, and working to de-fuse the negative) that it doesn't take much energy to turn the pages of a book, laze in the porch swing, hug the baby, float around the pool, or even to attend the lovely wedding of a dear friend.

in spite of the fact that i let myself wallow - too much, i think - in the pleh of not having the energy / gumption to do anything that felt even remotely rewarding this weekend, it wasn't horrible - - in fact, there were moments of it that were downright GOOD.

storycore

on NPR this morning at something like quarter of 7 marked the second time i cried already today.

the first, on seeing the one lady who was in the horrible car accident (that had I-75 closed down to one lane at 8 mile) kneeling (in her pretty summer work clothes) at the side of the person from the other car, who was lying in the middle of the "fast lane", not moving, and covered in a flowered sheet or probably a picnic blanket. the backs of my eyes and the end of my nose prickle again now, just thinking about it. heaven preserve us all...

the storycore story was from a pediatric doctor (to his daughter) about one of the most memorable patient's family - who upon realising she wasn't going to get the transplant she needed, offered up her organs to others in need. he commented on the resilience of children and their amazing ability to heal - - and the heartache every time one doesn't. but what got me was his comment about a hug around the knee, and i missed my little girl so much in that moment that i nearly burst into tears... instead they leaked heavily down my still damp cheeks.

i think when i'm tired i get double plus emotional, but yeah... still...

keep safe, keep close... have a good weekend

tea time

generally i drink tea in the autumn, winter, spring... not so much in the summer. this partly because for me, tea has always been only a hot drink (never to be brought to the lips had it gone woefully cold). i have always very nearly despised iced tea...

i only just recently realised that the reason i hated iced tea was the fact that all of the iced teas sold in restaurants, and most of those offered at the homes of aunts and other more distant relatives, was made from the floor-sweepings tea that i despise hot - or cold. i am a tea snob. i drink only "perfumed" teas; earl grey, jasmine, hibiscus, orange, cinnamon... i cannot, have never been able to, doubt i ever will, enjoy lipton, pg tips, or red rose (no offense to my grandmother, aunts, and friends who absolutely - - above all - - favor this brand). even english (or irish) breakfast tea, darjeeling, and oolong are a bit too bitter or bland to bring me comfort - certainly not without copious amounts of sweetening agent and often milk as well.

but the thing is this - - since i've started brewing my own carefully mixed version of earl grey iced tea i am enjoying it, righteously. and when the sun starts creeping down the western side of the sky, and the air starts cooling - even just slightly - i've found myself also enjoying, through the heat of july (and most likely into august) a nice cup of hot tea (not without a few diet cookies) in the evening.

what's more - - i just started my work day, not with an icy cold diet coke, but with a piping hot cup of stash earl grey.


= = = begin shameless plug = = =
i'm also keen on numi, republic of tea, twinings, and even the occasional bigelow.
= = = end of shameless plug = = =

Hazy Daze of Summer

Feeling fussed. Restless. Desperate to shirk my responsibilities and experience the verb: summer.

Not to mention it's hot, humid, hazy outside... that just about slows me to a sloth's pace every time.

Feeling like i really need a European august.

I'm tired.

campaign for harmony

i shall not, i will not, complain

that is my motto - at least one day at a time.

today i am remembering the peace of floating with my baby last night... face up to the blue sky and fluffy clouds and the lofty oak branches above, peeking across my sight line into the sky above us. giddy girl laughing for the joy of near weightlessness, floating with her mama.

it's supposed to be relatively nice weather for the rest of the week as well. this means that the possibility, the hope of floating, continues to shimmer in front of me for the next few days.

this is my peace... and i've said it.

that darned pink dot

not to insinuate that she's been worn thin and then mended (though i'm fairly certain she won't disagree) my friend K over at the PinkDot has got me on a minefield of memory regarding summertime visits to the lake (beach)

my favorite memories of the beach as a child start the night before the trip - - planning the picnic, making the make aheads, packing up the towels and the tanning lotion (not sunscreen back then), and the rabid anticipation the night before, nearly not able to sleep.
the "day of" was waking up early and packing the cooler and the box of non-cooler items, double and triple checking the list so as not to forget the matches, the charcoal, the fluid, the can opener, the plates... the long long list of the remembered.
then packing the car, the towels, the blanket, the cooler, the box, the book - good heavens don't forget the book.
and then, the drive. the glorious drive with no air conditioning (not in our cars back in the day, too dear a luxury back then) and the windows rolled down with the already warming air - - cooled only by the speed - - rushing through the car, blowing our long hair in willy nilly patterns across our faces and above our heads. the drive that halfway through revealed the forgotten item - - left sitting very obviously on the counter top, so as not to forget it. the drive that felt hours longer than it was and was only shortened by the "soundtrack" broadcast on Honey Radio and our off-key-and-could-care-less sing-along versions of the old songs i grew up on.

and now the trouble begins:
the agony of finding a place that's far enough away from the crazies to feel safe, but near enough to watch
the ritual of the unpacking and the setting up of the grill and the immediate beginning of the cooking (because in our excitement we, of course, neglected breakfast) and the laying out of plates and dishes and the chagrin with which we realize, yet again, that we packed way more food than we can eat and shudder to think of packing it all up and lugging it home
the wait between the lunch and the swimming
the bone-chilling cold of the lake water in july (because it NEVER really "warms up" until august)
the murk of the water, the little fish, the sea-weed; all harbingers of the evil of actually swimming in lake water
the scorch of the sun bearing down so hard that the evil is forgotten (more like ignored)
the shivering icy cold skin from an hour too quickly passed in the water
the post-swim nibbling that i've never been able to outgrow
and the post food nap in the sun, with periodic rolling to even out the baking

the packing to go home was never as bad as i worried it would be and was always less agonizing than the walk back to the car, lugging all the repacked whatnot behind us.

the ride home, nearly as glorious at the way there, tempered only by a well earned fatigue and the murky seaweed smell of lake in our hair. the open windows still sang of summer and often a stop for ice cream was just about half way home.

and finally, home, and the absolute drudgery of unpacking the stuff - every shred of excitement about this trip to the beach behind us and nothing but frugality and good housekeeping nudging us to do the right thing and put it all away - for lunch tomorrow, which never tastes as good when it's on the back porch...

this ritual with my mom, the summer ritual of a day at the lake... this has molded the who of me; has determined the shape of my soul...

time flies

holy cats - it's been five days since my last post... i stink.

i've been spending most of the time enjoying the hot hot hot and the cool of the swimming pool. a bit too much, i think... my cheeks are the sunkissed pink that tells me i haven't been drinking enough water. my head, too, reminds me of my rampant state of dehydration. and yet...
the summertime beckons. come heat, come humidity... soak into me and make me as languid liquid as the coming august air. slow me down and caress my too stressed mind with your balmy evening breeze.

today is tea and oatmeal cookie at the panera too close to my office, where i'm not, but not at all close to home, where i am meant to be. my mom is visiting her sister (for her birthday) and i drove... mom really doesn't prefer to drive... probably she was hoping that i would abandon work and spend the afternoon buffering the visit. i would have, but i have so much still to do.

pleh - my tea has gone cold.

in just about an hour or so, i'm going to go be a buffer... in the meantime, work.

get outside, soak up some sun... bring some nice iced tea, or a glass of cold cold water and a twist of lime...

i'll be out in a few, to meet you...

chlorine gas...

no - it's not some crazy cool new alternative fuel...
it's what happens when you mix bleach with ammonia - or - other acidic additives

it's what happened last night as my dad was working on a cocktail to shock and clean the swimming pool. it sent me and my family (including the cat) for an impromptu trip to the ice cream place while we aired out the house some. considering the concentration of chlorine in the the bag of "pool shock" that my dad used, i'm still amazed that he didn't suffer some irreperable damage... still, he seemed ok last night before he went to bed.

the worst bit was the kind of evening it was - grey, humid, heavy, and still. there was nothing working in our favour to blow the noxious gas around a little... move it away from the house or the yard (you know, off and away to torment other, innocent, folk for a little while).

not that i would wish it on other folk... but a good wind would have done a lot to dissipate it well before it caused any discomfort to anyone - including us.

at the end of the day, though, we're all ok... and apart from a slight headache (which i always suffer) and a rough night's sleep (i've been having the weirdest, worst, haunted house dreams lately), it's going to be just fine.

bad day at work?

nothing a little diet jello and nine inch nails won't fix.

i had no idea 10 calories could make me so happy.

you need a tutu to do ballet...

... but everybody can wiggle.

oh yeah!

woes for wages

not only the craziness of the travel, but now an expense report.
shudder.

still, it's a lot of money i want back. so...

in other news, i'm expected at a work function dinner tomorrow night. this means time away from my daughter, and probably leaving the rest of the family to (shudder) make their own dinner... not to mention that wherever we go i'm likely going to have salad. for dinner.

i can't make some of the stuff i need to use come out the way i need to use it, and other stuff evades me completely.

ugh... maybe more later... when i've completed something and feel positive again.

... and the livin' is easy

it's summertime.

at home that means the porch swing and swimming pool afternoons that lead into barbecue dinners on paper plates followed by light and cool desserts. it means beds offering up daisies and coneflowers (and weeds) and saturday on the lawn mower. it also means reading - lots of good and easy books.

at work it means comfy business casual during the bulk of the week and jeans on friday.

ah - here's the rub.

to me, jeans have always been what you wear when you're painting, or gardening... they're WORKING clothes - not work clothes. so, every friday, when i pull into the lot and get out of my car, i feel a little criminal over the ever-so-casual state of my attire.

yeah, me too - i'm thinking that if it makes me feel so sneaky, so wrong, so bad, why do i do it then? why don't i just suck it up like the half dozen or so other folk that actually wear clothing that's suitable for more than digging up weeds?

truth be told? i'm lazy. i look forward all week long to not having to even begin to think about what i'm going to wear on friday. i know what i'm going to wear: my jeans and the first shirt that hits my hand when i open the drawer... and likely a matching pair of shoes (i apparently draw the line at jeans AND sneakers).

it feels wonderful for me to spend the 15 minutes i would normally squander on determining the "right" outfit for the day, lounging in bed with my daughter sleeping beside me and the world waking up everywhere else. i semi-doze and laze my way through the last ten minutes (the marketplace segment) of NPR's morning edition.

also, this feeling of peace and zen lasts me through the rest of my at-home morning routine - - feeding the cat, gathering my wits, the drive in - - all made more comfortable by the peace of mind that started the day. as a matter of fact, up until i pull into the lot and the simmering sense of dread at being inappropriately attired for the office shadows across me, i'm feeling great.

i should mention, that it usually doesn't take much time for that sense of peace to return. most of the folks on my floor / in my department are fellow scrubs on fridays. and while there is always a hold out or two crossing my path on any given friday, i can (and do) pretend they're dressed to meet with a customer or a vendor and have to be a little more presentable than the rest of us.

it's friday. i am in jeans (and a red t-shirt, shoes, and bandana headband). i wear no makeup... and half the time not my shoes either.

have a great weekend!