my man turned 33 this weekend.
we kept it quiet, just family (mine, that is - - his are still down south, coming up next week) and simple.
one of the things i realized that i didn't manage to move to the new house yet - - birthday candles. he had to blow out a tea light. how abysmal. it didn't exactly ruin the made-from-scratch yellow cake, but it definitely dimmed my mood. he laughed at it.
that's really the difference between the two of us - - the biggest one anyway - - ok, apart from the boy/girl thing. he's really good at letting the little things slide. me, not so much. in this light, it sounds great, and was really relieving. sometimes it doesn't happen that way. i'm not tallying or anything, but i expect that by the time we're dead, it will all balance out.
oh and i have a giant pimple working its evil way to monstrosity between my upper lip and my nose. meh.
it's ok, i guess. it's monday - - no one expects great things on monday.
besides, if i'm honest with myself, it doesn't really matter, and i'm entirely capable of being happy in spite of it all.
26 February 2007
22 February 2007
diagnosing happiness
how do you know you're happy?
what makes it easy for you to see?
used to be I'd borrow a comment from the bare naked ladies and say I was like a cat, and happy made me fat. but i don't want to be that girl anymore.
for me the image of happy is easily bounding up the stairs,
or running along the beach with my daughter,
the idea of happy is being able to shop for new clothes without being depressed
it's the notion of looking forward to getting some sun on a beach vacation
and NOT worrying about me, on the beach, in a swim suit.
the action of happy is laughter and play - -
with my daughter, with my husband.
it's the actual consideration of feeling as sexy as my husband says i am.
it's dancing without getting winded,
and being active without feeling like throwing up.
i have joy in my life, don't get me wrong.
on average i would rate myself as content...
sure i go through the everyday stresses of bill paying and house keeping, and work issues, and family crap, and the state of affairs with the state, and the world - - -
- - but - -
there's so VERY much for me to be grateful for -
my health, and my husband, and my daughter, and my parents, and my friends, and my cat, and my car, and my new house, and my job (even if they DO make me batty sometimes)
when i look at the big picture, those those other things, those stresses and worries can't possibly get me down.
it's just that i have to remind myself
- - diagnose the happiness - -
and move on through the rough patches.
what makes it easy for you to see?
used to be I'd borrow a comment from the bare naked ladies and say I was like a cat, and happy made me fat. but i don't want to be that girl anymore.
for me the image of happy is easily bounding up the stairs,
or running along the beach with my daughter,
the idea of happy is being able to shop for new clothes without being depressed
it's the notion of looking forward to getting some sun on a beach vacation
and NOT worrying about me, on the beach, in a swim suit.
the action of happy is laughter and play - -
with my daughter, with my husband.
it's the actual consideration of feeling as sexy as my husband says i am.
it's dancing without getting winded,
and being active without feeling like throwing up.
i have joy in my life, don't get me wrong.
on average i would rate myself as content...
sure i go through the everyday stresses of bill paying and house keeping, and work issues, and family crap, and the state of affairs with the state, and the world - - -
- - but - -
there's so VERY much for me to be grateful for -
my health, and my husband, and my daughter, and my parents, and my friends, and my cat, and my car, and my new house, and my job (even if they DO make me batty sometimes)
when i look at the big picture, those those other things, those stresses and worries can't possibly get me down.
it's just that i have to remind myself
- - diagnose the happiness - -
and move on through the rough patches.
21 February 2007
Monsters
when i was little, i was afraid of the 'shadow/closet' monsters. intellectually, i knew they were imaginary, but it didn't stop me from making sure that the closets were closed before the lights went off (i still do this) and that the hallway light was on every night when i went to bed. oh, and on the nights that the monsters were particularly active, i was sure to be still and silent, so as not to tip them off to my actually being there.
when i got older, i learned about the monsters out there who want to take pieces of you to make themselves feel good; the snotty kids who somewhere along the line learned that putting other folks down makes you feel bigger; the 'grown ups' who thought, i guess, that because you were a little girl, you couldn't say no, and that when you did, it didn't mean anything anyway. i learned about the 'power' monsters, i guess.
older still, and i learned about the 'stranger' monsters; the people who could choose you as the object of their desire or hatred or murderous desire and take your life without thinking twice. fortunately i didn't learn about them first hand, at least not really.
now, older again, with a family, these monsters are everywhere - - on the side of the road waiting for my gentle hearted husband who wants to help folks. in the shops and on the streets near where we live, waiting for my daughter to be alone or just vulnerable.
i'm haunted every day by these monsters - - they don't even wait until dark, and they certainly don't play by the rules. i work hard to keep myself vigilant, educated, informed... and i'm definitely keeping the light on.
when i got older, i learned about the monsters out there who want to take pieces of you to make themselves feel good; the snotty kids who somewhere along the line learned that putting other folks down makes you feel bigger; the 'grown ups' who thought, i guess, that because you were a little girl, you couldn't say no, and that when you did, it didn't mean anything anyway. i learned about the 'power' monsters, i guess.
older still, and i learned about the 'stranger' monsters; the people who could choose you as the object of their desire or hatred or murderous desire and take your life without thinking twice. fortunately i didn't learn about them first hand, at least not really.
now, older again, with a family, these monsters are everywhere - - on the side of the road waiting for my gentle hearted husband who wants to help folks. in the shops and on the streets near where we live, waiting for my daughter to be alone or just vulnerable.
i'm haunted every day by these monsters - - they don't even wait until dark, and they certainly don't play by the rules. i work hard to keep myself vigilant, educated, informed... and i'm definitely keeping the light on.
13 February 2007
giddy up
i just got valentine's day roses from my husband
te he
brilliant man. he had them sent today instead of tomorrow (because my plans are to visit him for lunch tomorrow - - or at least were - - the weather is threatening to be deep white by then).
you see, the folks at my flower shop - - no matter how much you beg - - won't deliver before noon when you're going to only be at the office until noon. today, the flowers arrived before 11.
beautiful white roses - - to match the snow!!!
i'm on my second page of February in my scrappy journal
i was late for work this morning
i finished my husband's valentine's day gift last night. the baby almost gave it away. she doesn't understand secrets.
i have a hunger to be creative lately... like i want a studio hungry. though i need a studio with a corner for the baby - - she was itchy to 'help" yesterday.
i'm still working on the menu for dinner tomorrow...
te he
brilliant man. he had them sent today instead of tomorrow (because my plans are to visit him for lunch tomorrow - - or at least were - - the weather is threatening to be deep white by then).
you see, the folks at my flower shop - - no matter how much you beg - - won't deliver before noon when you're going to only be at the office until noon. today, the flowers arrived before 11.
beautiful white roses - - to match the snow!!!
i'm on my second page of February in my scrappy journal
i was late for work this morning
i finished my husband's valentine's day gift last night. the baby almost gave it away. she doesn't understand secrets.
i have a hunger to be creative lately... like i want a studio hungry. though i need a studio with a corner for the baby - - she was itchy to 'help" yesterday.
i'm still working on the menu for dinner tomorrow...
12 February 2007
slowly she turns...
she being the house.
i don't know if it's male or female - - it might actually be one of the first neuters among my collection of stuff.
at any rate, we spent the weekend getting some big steps closer to having all of the flooring project done. the floor that wasn't done is now done: the gap between the dining and living rooms, and the gap between the dining room and kitchen (a very gappy dining room!) are filled in with flooring. the last row of the living room (and the landing at the bottom of the stairs and the coat closet too) is done. all that's left are two thresholds (study and basement stairs) and the baseboards (play room and kitchen) and the quarter round molding. and we seem to have fixed the leak under the kitchen sink.
ok enough of that
we have snow falling and more coming (tomorrow afternoon? evening - night...) it's pretty. i love watching it. it's sad that it might put an end to a pending visit from friends. it's woeful that i'll likely have to battle the idiots who forget, every year, how to drive in it on my way too and from work.
my cousin had her baby this weekend, i didn't get to see them at the hospital, and i'm loathe to put my own baby in the car and drive through the muck to go visit, but i really want to see the little one, and so does my daughter. we'll see.
i have a headache today and don't even really want to write, let alone drive.
yeah, we'll see.
i don't know if it's male or female - - it might actually be one of the first neuters among my collection of stuff.
at any rate, we spent the weekend getting some big steps closer to having all of the flooring project done. the floor that wasn't done is now done: the gap between the dining and living rooms, and the gap between the dining room and kitchen (a very gappy dining room!) are filled in with flooring. the last row of the living room (and the landing at the bottom of the stairs and the coat closet too) is done. all that's left are two thresholds (study and basement stairs) and the baseboards (play room and kitchen) and the quarter round molding. and we seem to have fixed the leak under the kitchen sink.
ok enough of that
we have snow falling and more coming (tomorrow afternoon? evening - night...) it's pretty. i love watching it. it's sad that it might put an end to a pending visit from friends. it's woeful that i'll likely have to battle the idiots who forget, every year, how to drive in it on my way too and from work.
my cousin had her baby this weekend, i didn't get to see them at the hospital, and i'm loathe to put my own baby in the car and drive through the muck to go visit, but i really want to see the little one, and so does my daughter. we'll see.
i have a headache today and don't even really want to write, let alone drive.
yeah, we'll see.
09 February 2007
for pete's sake...
:::UPDATE:::
as an aside, streaming on my computer is not an option - - the company i work for has blocked all streaming audio and video ...
no matter which of my radio stations i choose, i get sketchy reception... like, ok, you have to do ballet AND yoga at the same time if you want to be in the right position to encourage proper reception of this radio station.
the ugliest bit is that if i wanted to get one of the hip hop, top 40, or (shudder) country stations, all i'd have to do is turn the dial just a little.
for NPR (the addiction still rages) or WRCJ, i'm sticking magnetic bendy men to the antenna and practicing all sorts of contortionism.
my sweater - - as soft as it is - - is making my throat itch.
i didn't sleep very well last night.
i walked into the office to more "while you were out" requests.
all of my photos of the day (lately) have been of my daughter, and i won't post her here.
still - - i'm really focusing on happy thoughts. According to Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain i should be able to use cognitive techniques to keep myself from getting grumpy about all the silly little crap that causes momentary pleh in my life, and mood. i haven't read the book yet, (i heard it on NPR) but it is definitely on my list.
and soon i'm off to another mind-numbing meeting where i'm going to be expected to stun and wow people with my curent list of working on, to do, and done... and truth be told - - it's not stunning. sigh.
i'm going to scarf down some oatmeal and diet coke breakfast now
as an aside, streaming on my computer is not an option - - the company i work for has blocked all streaming audio and video ...
no matter which of my radio stations i choose, i get sketchy reception... like, ok, you have to do ballet AND yoga at the same time if you want to be in the right position to encourage proper reception of this radio station.
the ugliest bit is that if i wanted to get one of the hip hop, top 40, or (shudder) country stations, all i'd have to do is turn the dial just a little.
for NPR (the addiction still rages) or WRCJ, i'm sticking magnetic bendy men to the antenna and practicing all sorts of contortionism.
my sweater - - as soft as it is - - is making my throat itch.
i didn't sleep very well last night.
i walked into the office to more "while you were out" requests.
all of my photos of the day (lately) have been of my daughter, and i won't post her here.
still - - i'm really focusing on happy thoughts. According to Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain i should be able to use cognitive techniques to keep myself from getting grumpy about all the silly little crap that causes momentary pleh in my life, and mood. i haven't read the book yet, (i heard it on NPR) but it is definitely on my list.
and soon i'm off to another mind-numbing meeting where i'm going to be expected to stun and wow people with my curent list of working on, to do, and done... and truth be told - - it's not stunning. sigh.
i'm going to scarf down some oatmeal and diet coke breakfast now
06 February 2007
a bit of good news
i got the results from Ghengis' bloodwork today. all levels are very good - - particularly for cat of 13. a lucky year?
tomorrow we start the new insulin.
deep freeze day two
this morning my car informed me that it was only -1 degree.
apparently mother nature has decided to thaw us out some.
the kids are still home from school, most of them, and with them a lot of their parents. i don't mind, i've always liked things to be quiet around here.
i've decided to take the advice of the folks at CRAFT magazine (a birthday gift from my man) and journal my Moleskine (also a gift from my man, that until the CRAFT gift, went pristinely untouched). January is pathetic, just so you know. it's ok. i've never done anything LIKE scrapping (unless you count pathetic attempts at card making) before, and i'm cutting myself some slack. it helps that it's a journal - - MY journal - - and so i have no real intention for anyone to read it anyway.
the inspiration was also in part due to the fact that if i end up like Lewis Libby and have to testify, i need stuff down in writing - - my short term memory hasn't been this bad since i was pregnant.
i'm reading a lot of absolute pulp lately. i blame it on Suzanne at Dear Reader . she's wonderful, but she's also wonderful at feeding me just obscene amounts of horror fiction - - one of my greatest downfalls. i mean seriously - - this is from the mom who really doesn't have time to read, but steals it... and for what??? crap horror. still, everyone needs a guilty pleasure, and this, for now, is mine. (looking for a link i just realised that Guilty Pleasure(s) is a UK dance band, and now i'm perilously close to having a listen, just to see...)
my daughter says she misses me. every day when i come home from work. this so makes me smile... that sad mom smile that i suppose i'm now at the beginning of the perfection-journey on. she's also started telling me not to be a 'mean mama' when i disallow things, or scold her for others. i expect this is the precursor to the much feared "I hate you!" moment that i know is coming but am loathe to experience.
off to count my blessings...
apparently mother nature has decided to thaw us out some.
the kids are still home from school, most of them, and with them a lot of their parents. i don't mind, i've always liked things to be quiet around here.
i've decided to take the advice of the folks at CRAFT magazine (a birthday gift from my man) and journal my Moleskine (also a gift from my man, that until the CRAFT gift, went pristinely untouched). January is pathetic, just so you know. it's ok. i've never done anything LIKE scrapping (unless you count pathetic attempts at card making) before, and i'm cutting myself some slack. it helps that it's a journal - - MY journal - - and so i have no real intention for anyone to read it anyway.
the inspiration was also in part due to the fact that if i end up like Lewis Libby and have to testify, i need stuff down in writing - - my short term memory hasn't been this bad since i was pregnant.
i'm reading a lot of absolute pulp lately. i blame it on Suzanne at Dear Reader . she's wonderful, but she's also wonderful at feeding me just obscene amounts of horror fiction - - one of my greatest downfalls. i mean seriously - - this is from the mom who really doesn't have time to read, but steals it... and for what??? crap horror. still, everyone needs a guilty pleasure, and this, for now, is mine. (looking for a link i just realised that Guilty Pleasure(s) is a UK dance band, and now i'm perilously close to having a listen, just to see...)
my daughter says she misses me. every day when i come home from work. this so makes me smile... that sad mom smile that i suppose i'm now at the beginning of the perfection-journey on. she's also started telling me not to be a 'mean mama' when i disallow things, or scold her for others. i expect this is the precursor to the much feared "I hate you!" moment that i know is coming but am loathe to experience.
off to count my blessings...
05 February 2007
photo catch up
friday 02.02
all the red in my office
saturday 02.03
my snow boots - - ready for battle
sunday 02.04
orange manatee
all the red in my office
saturday 02.03
my snow boots - - ready for battle
sunday 02.04
orange manatee
sub zero
current temp is -1 degree f.
it used to be -5 (like this morning when i had to trek out to my car to get in to the office)
half of my team is out today
- - husbands with pneumonia
- - school closings
- - i'd rather not trudge my sorry self through sub-zero temperatures to go to work
over the weekend the part of our water line that goes to the laundry room and out to the hose connection on the addition froze up. i'm not sure if it's because of the hose spigot or because of the significant lack of insulation between the outside wall and the water line in the addition part of the house. regardless, my dad spent the better part of 4 or 5 hours thawing the pipe yesterday. today the laundry room faucet is left at a 'better-than-a trickle-but-not-full-out-run" while i work. on the way home i'm depot (or lowes) bound to collect a heating cable, some pipe insulation, some house insulation, and a boot cover for the outside faucet. it will probably set me back a few dollars, but I adamantly refuse to have this happen again.
it also got me to thinking about the blanket that is not on the hot water heater, the window film that is still in boxes, and the gazillion other things that i should be doing to winter-proof my house (for the next two months or so).
for now, though, i'm going to tend to some work and my headache.
it used to be -5 (like this morning when i had to trek out to my car to get in to the office)
half of my team is out today
- - husbands with pneumonia
- - school closings
- - i'd rather not trudge my sorry self through sub-zero temperatures to go to work
over the weekend the part of our water line that goes to the laundry room and out to the hose connection on the addition froze up. i'm not sure if it's because of the hose spigot or because of the significant lack of insulation between the outside wall and the water line in the addition part of the house. regardless, my dad spent the better part of 4 or 5 hours thawing the pipe yesterday. today the laundry room faucet is left at a 'better-than-a trickle-but-not-full-out-run" while i work. on the way home i'm depot (or lowes) bound to collect a heating cable, some pipe insulation, some house insulation, and a boot cover for the outside faucet. it will probably set me back a few dollars, but I adamantly refuse to have this happen again.
it also got me to thinking about the blanket that is not on the hot water heater, the window film that is still in boxes, and the gazillion other things that i should be doing to winter-proof my house (for the next two months or so).
for now, though, i'm going to tend to some work and my headache.
01 February 2007
p.o.d.
perhaps, inspired by my Francey Pants, i have decided to post (or at least attempt to) a photo of the day for each and every day of Febraury.
perhaps, it is in honor of a month of red and whatnot.
2.1.07 - corporate landscape
Go-RED!
tomorrow - Feb 2 - Groundhog day - is the American Heart Association's National Wear Red Day - - a part of their Go Red for Women campaign highlighting the little regarded fact that heart disease is the number one killer of women in the U.S. yes, i'm wearing red - - i may actually join a friend of mine in wearing red every day this month - as a tribute. heart disease has affected my family in woeful ways, and i (for one) won't go down without a fight!
in other news:
- - the kitchen plumbing is complying, now, with our wishes. dishes are clean and comfort has returned to Earthburg
- - groceries are far too expensive. though currently interesting fodder for internal economical debate. recently i groused (possibly somewhat excessively) about a gas and electric bill of more than $350 for the month. i spent nearly that on groceries last night... groceries that will last us, more or less, for the month. i'm struggling with that whole battle of which of the basic needs is more basic and truth be told, i GUESS if i'm going to pay as much to feed us as to keep us warm, i should call it a draw and be quiet.
we're still going to be doing some MAJOR weather-proofing this spring and summer.
- - i'm cold. almost achingly so. it's supposed to top out at 9 degrees (yes, Fahrenheit) on Sunday.
i'm a bit put out by this - - i mean, haven't i been lobbying for winter and all her prettiness for the last who cares how long? the least she could do is cut me some slack and be pretty AND warm. i think i sound like a handful of the guys i knew when i was in college. i should be quiet now.
so - yeah - - exercise, eat well, and wear red... in honor of a woman you love.
in other news:
- - the kitchen plumbing is complying, now, with our wishes. dishes are clean and comfort has returned to Earthburg
- - groceries are far too expensive. though currently interesting fodder for internal economical debate. recently i groused (possibly somewhat excessively) about a gas and electric bill of more than $350 for the month. i spent nearly that on groceries last night... groceries that will last us, more or less, for the month. i'm struggling with that whole battle of which of the basic needs is more basic and truth be told, i GUESS if i'm going to pay as much to feed us as to keep us warm, i should call it a draw and be quiet.
we're still going to be doing some MAJOR weather-proofing this spring and summer.
- - i'm cold. almost achingly so. it's supposed to top out at 9 degrees (yes, Fahrenheit) on Sunday.
i'm a bit put out by this - - i mean, haven't i been lobbying for winter and all her prettiness for the last who cares how long? the least she could do is cut me some slack and be pretty AND warm. i think i sound like a handful of the guys i knew when i was in college. i should be quiet now.
so - yeah - - exercise, eat well, and wear red... in honor of a woman you love.
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