Return of the Zombie

Vegas all but killed me.

soooo many people... even just our convention was jam-packed with nearly 3000 people, often times nearly all of them in one room. most of the sessions i attended were upwards of 100 attendees. i sat at the back of the room. a lot. there's something in me that reacts very poorly to having more people behind me than in front of me. probably a past life in some mafia or another.

soooo hot. every way was well over 100 degrees. normally for Vegas at the end of june this wouldn't be so bad, but the thing is, it was humid too. not michigan humid. but way more than typically vegas arid. a couple hundred yards is a long walk in Vegas heat. it might as well be a couple hundred miles when it's humid.

conference room chairs are uncomfortable. nuff said.

i learned a lot of really cool stuff. i met a handful of very nice people. i missed the bejeezus out of my baby and my cat and the rest of my people... which made coming home to boring old cool and humid michigan the bestest treat ever.

the Zombie reference? too much walking and funky-conference-room-chair-sitting and stair climbing on an already gammy knee and not nearly enough sleep (not for want of trying, just because of an overwhelming loneliness to which i had erroneously believed myself immune).

i'm glad to be home. i missed y'all.

For want of new material...

You Are an Old Soul

You are an experienced soul who appreciates tradition. Mellow and wise, you like to be with others but also to be alone. Down to earth, you are sensible and impatient. A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people. You hate injustice, and you're very protective of family and friends A bit demanding, you expect proper behavior from others. Extremely independent you don't mind living or being alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

in the rough

i was recently told (by a person who knows) that my personality is rough around the edges. it hurt to hear. i've been thinking about it since he said it. truth is, he's right. and while sometimes the truth can really really cut, fact is, truth is truth.

i guess what hurts me most is that my personality used to be a lot smoother around the edges... much more polished... almost sparkly...

i'm trying to determine what in my life has chipped away at the well defined, much coveted (by me) hints at brilliance that i used to be able to claim.

i think maybe that it could be a combination of stones thrown at the edges of my life and the all consuming quest to preserve the remainder that made me too afraid, too preoccupied, and possibly even too complacent to work at refinishing those damaged edges.

no matter, really, how it happened. the truth of the matter is that it has, and the challenge in the moment is to face the fear, re-prioritize, and flat out give a damn enough to grind away the snags

found in translation

my daughter is learning how to speak Spanish from Dora.

i have a particularly ugly sunburn on my upper back.

we recently asked my daughter, "what color is mama's back?"

she answered emphatically: "whoa ho!"

timing

there are two schools, i think, on almost everything... the two that immediately pop into my head right now are:
location location location
and
timing is everything

since right now my location (office) stinks (especially when i have been desperately hoping to hear those three magic words - - Work. From. Home.) i'm going to focus on timing.

today i received the "reward" (which i didn't really want but they won't let you opt not to accept) from the March of Dimes thingey i did this spring. what is it? a powder blue sweatshirt.

in june.

oh, and did i mention it's powder blue? i'm not entirely opposed to pastels (i used to be) because i can proudly stand and admit my love of pink, in almost all it's shades, and even an occasional pale yellow... (mint green is RIGHT out, however)... but powder blue... U.G.H.

ok - enough negativity.

today i am thankful for:
the fact that i work in a department where i can even whisper about thinking about working from home and not be laughed out of the room

bored

i don't usually grouse about being bored... usually i can find something to do, even, sometimes something i want to do, but today work is all about hurry up and wait. i've been running the kind of report that i can't do anything (really) while it's running... and i've been running the kind of report that needs three reports to get all the data where it needs to be, and while it's all running i'm sitting here, doing pretty much nothing and being bored. it's the kind of day where i wish i were working in a bookshop, with my cat, and while i'm bored and waiting for things to happen at least i could be finishing up the last section of my current book, watching a cup of tea brew, thinking about what i'm going to read next and stroking the cat... because he likes it, nowadays - i.e. now that he's getting worrisome old - when i pay a little nonchalant attention to him.

From:

Kassi inadvertently tagged me on this one... i'm So glad she did.

I am from mechanical pencils, from Diet Coke, and hot bread fresh from the oven.

I am from flowerbeds and a fireplace and the charged air of a thunderstorm sky.

I am from soft green spring grass, daisies dancing in a summer rain, and a thousand different snowflakes; a rusty orange October pumpkin, russet mums and the crunch of autumn leaves.

I am from baking from scratch and work worn hands, from Elda, and Mickey, and Little Miss Michael Smith.

I am from willful stubbornness and an unyielding desire for peace.

From “please” and “thank you” and - forever - “I love you” and “…more flies with honey than vinegar.”

I am from lapsed (but not forgotten) Catholicism, and a deep and abiding love of a God that holds me in the softest corners of his heart.

I'm from Grosse Point, Poland, and, the Canadian wilds; from daughters of daughters of the DAR and the shores of Long Ago England; from Keebler cookies, and Kraft American singles – individually wrapped, of course.

From the Rosie the Riveter of my Grandma B., the Mail Trains and Boy Scouts of my Dzia Dzia, and the spookiest ghost stories my mom would allow my dad to tell.

I am from dust covered shoe boxes, dented tins, and age-worn envelopes; visited infrequently but always – always – with love.

my campaign

in my recent NPR-ing i have been audience to the reports of the millions of dollars candidates are spending to campaign themselves into office. office they so desperately want to hold so that they can - supposedly - serve their communities. i mean, really, that's the whole reason for seeking public office, right?

what has occurred to me, repeatedly, though is that those millions would be SO much better spent on actually supporting and helping the community. aren't there causes enough from A to Z that complain of underfunding to the point that many of them are on the brink of ruin? causes, by the way that pretty much anyone could get behind - the zoo, museums, hospice, habitat for humanity - necessiarly NON-PARTISAN causes...

so... i decided yesterday on my way home from work that if i were going to run for any office ever, i would find out how much it would cost me, do enough research into the community to discover which programmes really needed the most help, hold enough in reserve to run ONE commercial - maybe 3 times - and run the following (ultra-short, i might add) ad - the rest of the money would go out into the world where it could help:

rather than spend hundreds of thousands of dollars retaliating against my opponent's ugly tv commercials, i have donated this money to the following public programs:
* * * * * list of community whosie's here * * * * *
for more information on how i want to help our community flourish, please go to my website
www.FinForOffice.org
(please note: this is NOT really a website, please don't try to go there)

ok - i'm going to get off my platform.
have a nice day

the power of P

i got this from Kimba

10 words that apply to me, beginning with the letter P

passion - i am often driven by that which intensely interests... sometimes even to the point of disregarding reason

particular - as in i am... about almost everything, especially those things which i consider to be most important. my alternative "P" for this is persnikety, but i'm not sure that's exactly the bon mot, here

pensive - i think a lot, often too much, about a lot... except when i don't

pithy - sometimes people call me abrupt... mostly it's just that i hate wasting time - this especially at work

pracitcal - it's not that i've shot the legs out from under the dreamer in me (far from it) it's just that now i usually look for the fastest, easiest, most practical way to satisfy her

private - i tend to keep my cards close to my chest, at least as long as i can before someone calls me out

proud - "where there is a true superiority of mind, pride will always be under good regulation"

poetic - where communication ends and communion begins - - i am a lover of words, of cadence, of the lyrical that lies under everyday life

potential - i like that which can be... it's what helps me to frame that which is

purpose - it's what makes life worth living, and living worth life

barbie

i had the special joy of having Barbie in an Escalade on my tail for the last part of my drive in to work this morning. if that's not enough to make any normal person homicidal, i'm not sure what is.

oh wait, i know, how about a weekend of rain when you have a slew of yardwork to do?

or - maybe - not having the diet coke waiting for you in your monday morning office that you thought you did?

ok - i'm not really homicidal, but i am pushing pissy. it's supposed to be beautiful today - clear sky, sunny, top temp of 81. tomorrow too, topping out at 83. and *i* am going to be chained to a desk all day... a desk, no less, where i have been waiting 2 weeks for one decision to come down, and almost a week for another. have i mentioned that i am NOT patient?

by popular demand, by the way, the name of the game is The Davinci Code and you can download the free trial by following that link. It's mildly addictive, occasionally pressuresome, and - - unfortunately - - not as mentally tasking as i had hoped it would be.

back to the rant... i even tried to make this a great day by wearing my lobster pants (small sky blue gingham with little red lobsters embroidered in a vaguely random pattern) and red garden gnome shoes.... thinking that wearing this getup anyone could have a good day. the result of it for me? i'm wondering when i'm going to spill something impossible to remove on them... oh, and the cover of the "button" on the left shoe is loose, has already come off more than once, and is likely to lose itself - - today is definitely a good day for it.

on an up note - - being a mom has never been more fun. my daughter and i laugh A LOT these days, me because she's funny, her, because i'm laughing... which of course sends me to new rounds of giggles, because her fake laugh is hysterical. don't get me wrong, she's painfully two, and something of a sasser... but those moments are getting easier to get through (i.e. ignore or defuse) and the fun and tender ones are more common. she tells me, these days, that she's so proud of me... and that she loves me... and that (mostly when I come home from work) she's missed me. can't beat that with a stick!

funny...

... i'm suddenly feeling better...

Good Day Caffeine

i didn't get to sleep until after 11 last night.

no - baby's fine... thanks for the concern....

i'm a stimulation junkie... actually a sensory junkie apparently. my Keirsey temperament sorter says that under extreme stress i will dive into sensory things like tv reruns (uh, nope), over eating (not these days) or card playing (which i think they invented shortly before computer games). i'm not going to tell you which game it was that kept me up late last night (it's culturally cliche and rather embarrassing - - but i will volunteer that it wasn't solitaire). after all that stimulation, however, i was reeling at 10:30 and had to unwind before i could sleep. i read 20 or so pages more of Shantaram (finished the chapter) and drifted off.

it was a good night.

i was rather afraid that i'd be useless today because of it, but actually i've been doing alright. (yes, yes, i know it's not even 8 am and i still have far too many hours to slog my way through before i can prove that i'm doing alright and how can i really even try to convince myself that i'm anywhere NEAR alright when the only reason i'm still vertical is the glory of diet coke?)

but it's friday and the workload SEEMS light today and i have a new computer game at home waiting for me to come and have some fun... how much better do i need to be?

Revelation

when life decides to be a poo flinging monkey, it doesn't really care if you're at work or at home.

i recently took a "mental health break" from the office... i tacked vacation days on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, so i could get away, stay away, and give my head some time to straighten out without the worries of the office beating me up. that's when the washing machine decided to explode (not literally) and take several loads of clean clothes and a handful of towels (to slop up the water) with it. while we cleverly avoided having to go to the laundrette in the seething 80+ degrees and gazillion % humidity, we still had to deal with the slog.

otherwise, i enjoyed the break... barbecue and iced tea, LOTS of reading, bundles of time with the baby, and the development of some serious peace of mind.

did i mention i only have two working days until the weekend???

p.s. you TOTALLY want to read Shantaram. It's really REALLY good... i'm only a third of the way through and I've already been crying like a baby more than once.