mega mix

i listen to a lot of radioio80's. it's what i listen to when i'm not listening to NPR (honestly, i love it when Nina Totenberg reads off the Supreme Court transcript... i'm fairly certain she's much more entertaining / enjoyable than tapes would be) - - so yeah, it's either Nina or Siouxsie. Shine on little dichotomy... i am indeed a half a moon... half reflecting, half dark.

it's been a rough week... no - it's been a rough patch. i spend as much of my time floundering as upright. if it were just my private life it probably wouldn't be so weird, but it's at work too - days when i feel like i just can't get anything done... days when i tornado my way through everything and end up, at noon, hungry for more.

i worry about instilling enough stability in my daughter's life, about being the right role model. that's a very stabilizing thought... until i realise that she doesn't see me or even deal with me for nearly 10 hours a day on most days. it's pretty easy to be a total jack-off when she's not around... i just have to level out and watch my mouth by the time i get home.

i drive a station wagon - really, am i THAT hungry for stability? ok, really it's just common sense and the fact that i like to have room for crap... a baby has a lot of crap - - if i were talking in front of her i'd have said stuff - - and without the room for it, you're just a ridiculous expression of "holy 'stuff', i wasn't ready to be a parent" when for me that's just not the case... i was SO ready to be a parent... i'm just having issues with all of the peripherals, i guess.

actually, the ONLY thing in my life that I feel like i've got the gist of is being a mom (thank goodness i feel that way just in time for Mother's day, no?) and even that is sketchy when i remind myself that it's fairly easy to think you have the gist of being a mom when you spend 50 hours a week away from your child... and people wonder why i don't want to go out and do grown up stuff.

i just did the math on my excel spreadsheet - - i get about 51 hours of time with my daughter a week. this is inclusive of time when she's helping me do the grocery shopping, laundry, gardening, yard work, lumberjacking, vacuuming - - which she hates - - and all of the other little house things (apart from cooking because except for a few things that she's allowed to help with, having her in the kitchen right now is just too dangerous - she's walked into the open refrigerator door resulting in a bruise on her forehead more than once - i don't even want to think about her in the presence of knives or bacon grease. i get only one more hour with her (awake, that is... you can factor in another roughly 56 hours if you count unconscious sleep time) than i do with work and commute... oh yeah, sign me up for the "mom of the year" boards.

probably i should just stop now. i didn't want this to be a nega-blog.

happy mother's day to everyone who is a mom, or has a mom.... heck - happy mother's day to y'all.