crash - - boom

after sleepless night after sleepless night, last night was supposed to be blissful slumber. i was supposed to have reached some peace of mind and, with a new approach for attaining certain goals, i was meant to have found a night of rest.

at something around one the first "blinding even through my eyelids" bolt of lightning accompanied almost simultaneously with wall and window rattling thunder yanked me out of the sleep i was just slipping deeply into.

these jolts of nature repeated themselves throughout the night on a schedule patterned almost exactly to match the time it took me to crawl back into my skin and get back to sleep.

then the alarm clock started ripping new channels into my brain at (it's usual time of) 4:30 am.

i'm fairly certain i haven't had a dream since Saturday night / Sunday morning.

when i was young i used to think it would be really neato-bosquito to be able to control the weather; to be able to clear the skies just because i wanted sunshine. now that i'm older (and purportedly wiser) i know that wishing to control the weather means things like - no matter how much you want and need a blue sky and warm sunshine, as long as your mood is grey, you're not going to be able to make the clouds part.

and i'm just the slightest bit afraid that when your heart is troubled and where you fall on the 1 to 10 scale of "doing the right thing" is very nearly a mystery to you, there's a good chance that you're going to have a hard time sleeping through the storm that's shaking your soul.