resurgent

i've been reminded lately that i'm a romantic dreamer. certainly there are people in the world who would belly-laugh to think that i needed to be reminded of this, but i have spent so very much time putting that girl away in cupboards, that i have - or i should say, HAD - effectively erased her from my own consiousness.

well over a decade ago my heart was broken. compound fracture. shattered.

i spent a long time denying myself any real feelings. being a scientist. being anaesthetic. letting moments come, and pass. keeping my heart sequestered from my head... and body. in short i did everything in my power to keep from having my heart broken again. i made a lot of decisions in an emotional vacuum - focusing on the pragmatic - coming up with reasons to turn (run) away from any circumstance that could possibly involve a true, real, romantic attachment on my side.

i spent a short time after that coming close. playing with fire... or warming my hands - you choose. i got close to really loving people. testing the ice-wall i had built around myself and finding cracks... terrified by the implications of them.

within the past 5 years i started REALLY letting the walls down, feeling - and hurting by the bye - and allowing the feelings to flow through me (instead of shoving them off and away).

but within the last year, i've come to recognize that long forgotten poet in me. it's been a wicked rude awakening... i've caught myself realising how many opportunities i've lost, what beauty i've turned away from, what truths i've missed. i'm glad though, to have me back... in spite of how horrible it is to realise what i've left in my wake.

if i've ever broken your heart, or hurt you, i'm sorry.