it's a tea with milk afternoon. if Kiernan still haunts me this will probably make him laugh at the old woman i've become, but really... its blasted cold in the office and i'm feeling pensive. if i had a lap cat and some knitting to do, i'd be all set.
i'm not sure if today's tea really counts as old woman tea though... in spite of the milk, it's not any boring old tea, but some highly spiced chai, to which i've added hazelnut sweetener and milk. so really, i believe i've crossed over from tea to some other starbuckian beverage altogether.
it dawned on me recently (in the middle of an email to a friend) to suspect that one of the driving forces behind my new-found desperation to contact old friends is the recent loss of a dear (and young) one. all this time i had been blaming it on approaching middle age (which may very well have some part in it), but i am leaning, more and more, toward this difficulty i have with saying good-bye - especially as regards the last good-bye.
it's compounded when I regard the parting that often happened with these friends from my youth... these friends who shared my invincibility... who, like me, were too vibrant for the seriousness of saying "I love you, and wherever you go, you are a part of me, and I want to thank you for the part of yourself that you've given to me, and please take care of the part of me that I have given you in return." there's so much more weight these days.
youth is NOT wasted on the young, i think. i'm not sure if - weighted by the depths of 'maturity'- any of those soft sweet moments that comprise so many of these fond memories could have happened with my mind as it is now. certainly, the things i do now have more meaning, and are probably more strongly rooted in "things i WILL remember" but these things lack the airy lightness - the very innocence - of those carefree (truthfully, mostly careless) moments. nougat, or maybe even lighter - cotton candy - sweet because of the ephemeral. squish it all up, make it dense, and it's too much.
pondersome day, today...
31 July 2008
28 July 2008
girlier or sillier
something.
the story?
this past weekend a memory hit me clear as blazes.
i'm me, but younger (of course, it's a memory, hell0...) in bloomers and a chemise. my corset, underskirt, hoop, bumroll, overskirt, bodice - all balled up somwhere, maybe in a pile next to me, maybe not. i know that i have my hat (my gloves are in it, it is not on my head) and probably some other bits with me. the sun is setting - or possibly has set - the sky is darkening and the air is cooling - considerably. i sit in the dampening grass on the top of a hill - there are earthy smells all around me. across from me is a friend, a girl, an angel of a girl complete with golden hair and glowing rosy cheeks. her name is Kim, but to me she is Soya, and will always be.. she makes me laugh and we half giggle with each other throughout the conversation. i can feel the distinct difference, now, between the cool earth beneath me and the heat of my skin (i spent the day walking in the hot sun, carting probably 40 pounds of costume and accessory, making people happy, feeding them the fodder of thoughts like I am having right now). beside me, a boy. a young man. burgeoning. at the onset of the ripeness of his manlihood. for now, though, he is a young man, a gentleman. his name is Patrick - i'm almost certain of it, but memory is wicked deceptive... i could be wrong. he is full of whispers and caresses. in my memory i know his hand on my shoulder, or, perhaps, his arm around my waist. i know he wants to kiss me - - the pity is that I don't remember if he did.
it's a movie - moment, this memory. it's the kind of thing that helps me remember the prettiness of my history. it's the kind of thing I want to share with my daughter when she tells me about hers.
the story?
this past weekend a memory hit me clear as blazes.
i'm me, but younger (of course, it's a memory, hell0...) in bloomers and a chemise. my corset, underskirt, hoop, bumroll, overskirt, bodice - all balled up somwhere, maybe in a pile next to me, maybe not. i know that i have my hat (my gloves are in it, it is not on my head) and probably some other bits with me. the sun is setting - or possibly has set - the sky is darkening and the air is cooling - considerably. i sit in the dampening grass on the top of a hill - there are earthy smells all around me. across from me is a friend, a girl, an angel of a girl complete with golden hair and glowing rosy cheeks. her name is Kim, but to me she is Soya, and will always be.. she makes me laugh and we half giggle with each other throughout the conversation. i can feel the distinct difference, now, between the cool earth beneath me and the heat of my skin (i spent the day walking in the hot sun, carting probably 40 pounds of costume and accessory, making people happy, feeding them the fodder of thoughts like I am having right now). beside me, a boy. a young man. burgeoning. at the onset of the ripeness of his manlihood. for now, though, he is a young man, a gentleman. his name is Patrick - i'm almost certain of it, but memory is wicked deceptive... i could be wrong. he is full of whispers and caresses. in my memory i know his hand on my shoulder, or, perhaps, his arm around my waist. i know he wants to kiss me - - the pity is that I don't remember if he did.
it's a movie - moment, this memory. it's the kind of thing that helps me remember the prettiness of my history. it's the kind of thing I want to share with my daughter when she tells me about hers.
25 July 2008
silly girl
i watched Becoming Jane last night.
alone. while my husband was at work. during girl week.
WHAT kind of foolish am I...
i'm not usually prone to swooning, now that I'm a wife and mother and corporate monkey.
i'm not usually given to flights of fancy...
and yet, i find myself still heart-broken at the practical good-bye
OF COURSE i know it was the smartest thing she could do - - for EACH of them.
OF COURSE i know she was right
but it's cold comfort.
i want her happy endings.
i crave happy endings... justice... love.
what?! what do you expect from me?
i'm a wishing star
or a guardian angel
or
a silly girl...
08 July 2008
getting my toes wet
today i have decided that i am going to dedicate some of my time to my new job. oh sure, i'm still buried in my old job (the one that i was supposed to be DONE with by june 2nd) but i've had it with not doing anything good/fun/meaningful.
it's neat because i'm "making contacts" with people i see every day, but have never had the opportunity to work with... and the sad matter of fact in this building, is that if i don't work with someone, i have very little interaction with them. i have a deep hive mentality about this building... in that i believe it is where work gets done... and not, so much, where i hang out with friends.
i have, as a matter of fact, been accused of being cold, reclusive (see troglodite), and (at best) reserved. the people with whom i share office space don't - as a general rule - know me very well.
i'm off to a meeting - with my new team - to advise them that i'm still cleaning up old reporting... the never-ending (at least seemingly so) duty of getting rid of my old job. at least today i get to tell them that i'm making headway on other stuff as well...
it's neat because i'm "making contacts" with people i see every day, but have never had the opportunity to work with... and the sad matter of fact in this building, is that if i don't work with someone, i have very little interaction with them. i have a deep hive mentality about this building... in that i believe it is where work gets done... and not, so much, where i hang out with friends.
i have, as a matter of fact, been accused of being cold, reclusive (see troglodite), and (at best) reserved. the people with whom i share office space don't - as a general rule - know me very well.
i'm off to a meeting - with my new team - to advise them that i'm still cleaning up old reporting... the never-ending (at least seemingly so) duty of getting rid of my old job. at least today i get to tell them that i'm making headway on other stuff as well...
07 July 2008
Natsubate
no - it's nothing naughty. it's Japanese for "summer fatigue".
i suffer it every year... some worse than others. basically, it means that just about every summer, for a few weeks (at least) i'm right there among the ranks of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome sufferers.
those of you who know me KNOW that i'm not a sleeper... sleep is for the weak, rest is for the dead...
and yet, this past couple of weeks, i've been achingly struggling through the afternoon, fighting (and sometimes losing the fight) the strong urge to rest my head and take a "short" nap (of 3 hours or so).
a recent trip to Wikipedia has rendered the Epstein Barr diagnosis useless. after looking (hard) at the articles about Natsubate, i'm not sure it's that either... (not enough air conditioning to make it so).
i write this as i find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open and myself "in gear" for the afternoon of lawn mowing that faces me. (it's not just chor-iented either, as i found myself awakening at 8pm on the 4th after just settling down to rest my head for a wee bit at 5 that same afternoon - - with not a chore on the docket).
i should really write these days down in my calendar... and see if i can find some pattern year over year...
in the meantime, i'm just going to rest my eyes for a minute...
i suffer it every year... some worse than others. basically, it means that just about every summer, for a few weeks (at least) i'm right there among the ranks of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome sufferers.
those of you who know me KNOW that i'm not a sleeper... sleep is for the weak, rest is for the dead...
and yet, this past couple of weeks, i've been achingly struggling through the afternoon, fighting (and sometimes losing the fight) the strong urge to rest my head and take a "short" nap (of 3 hours or so).
a recent trip to Wikipedia has rendered the Epstein Barr diagnosis useless. after looking (hard) at the articles about Natsubate, i'm not sure it's that either... (not enough air conditioning to make it so).
i write this as i find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open and myself "in gear" for the afternoon of lawn mowing that faces me. (it's not just chor-iented either, as i found myself awakening at 8pm on the 4th after just settling down to rest my head for a wee bit at 5 that same afternoon - - with not a chore on the docket).
i should really write these days down in my calendar... and see if i can find some pattern year over year...
in the meantime, i'm just going to rest my eyes for a minute...
01 July 2008
funk
i've been out of whack today.
too many things happening all at the same time, none of them under control, and a good heaping dose of feeling in the middle. all of this has joined forces to render me funked.
i keep trying to climb out of things, but find myself thwarted... i get the voice-mail. i get the broken connection. i get the blues.
i keep hoping it's hormonal, and that tomorrow when I wake up everything will be 'just fine.' but for now...
not so much.
too many things happening all at the same time, none of them under control, and a good heaping dose of feeling in the middle. all of this has joined forces to render me funked.
i keep trying to climb out of things, but find myself thwarted... i get the voice-mail. i get the broken connection. i get the blues.
i keep hoping it's hormonal, and that tomorrow when I wake up everything will be 'just fine.' but for now...
not so much.
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